Kid, I hope you’ve finally found some peace

I started working with youth in 2008

Up until that point

I sort of dabbled in working with different populations

At a youth shelter, I found my place

It just felt right

Since then

I had worked exclusively with youth

Mostly homeless and/or at risk youth

Eventually I worked out of Mississauga as an outreach worker

Anyway

I have this thing that I do

I read the paper in the mornings or at night

If a headline catches my eye

That something happened in one of the areas that I worked in

I read it

Sometimes it’s about a young person who was a victim of crime

Or a perpetrator

Sometimes it’s about no one I know

Today

It was about someone I think I may have known

His name immediately caught my eye

And while it was spelled incorrectly

His age adds up to who I remembered

He was killed in a violet crime

He was of no fixed address

It all adds up

But all I keep thinking about

Are his vivid blue eyes

And the protective way he took care of his little brother

Sure I remember other things

Like taking him to court and working through his anger with him

Being upset that he got arrested again

Or something else

But I remember more about the long stretches his mother would leave him and his little brother home alone to fend for themselves

While she went to Florida with her boyfriend

With no food in the house

Under the guise that his grandma was watching them

I remember his dysfunctional mother calling me

Alternating between crying and yelling at me

That she couldn’t handle him

Wanted him to move out

I remember when I had two clients scheduled for court on the same day and time

So I figured I’d just drive them both home

No biggie

Until they told me to drop them off at the same location and went off together

If it’s you that was in the paper

If it’s you whose life was snuffed out far too early and much too violently

I’m sorry I couldn’t have done more to help you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t prepare you better for what was coming next

I’m sorry that life treated you unfairly from the beginning

I’m just sorry

And I promise to remember you

With your vivid blue eyes

And the way you wanted to protect your little brother

Rest In Peace, kid

You deserve to finally have some peace

‘The Happiest Place On Earth.’

Today is Joey’s birthday

Last year at this time

I was living with my parents

My mental state was super fragile

We had cake for his birthday at my parents house

I remember trying hard that day

To put a smile on my face

To be brave

To not be selfish

For Joey

Because he deserved so much more than what he got

Because I always felt like we could have been so great

If not for all the obstacles

My challenges that have disrupted our life together

But today

One year later

We are celebrating his birthday at Disney in Florida

Joey gets to be happy

I feel good

Maybe sometimes magic happens

Maybe the universe and planets align

Maybe I worked my ass off to get to this point

Whatever

It doesn’t even matter

Bukowski wrote: ‘What matters most is how well you walk through the fire’

And I did

I walked through the fire

And survived

Sure I have the scars to prove it

But who doesn’t?

I’ll be in Disney this afternoon

Indulging my inner kid

She deserves to have some fun

Even if it’s a moment

I’m going to close my eyes really tight and try my best to savour the moments

I deserve it

So does Joey

PS. Happy birthday Joey 🖤

‘To be calm is the highest achievement of self’

Today is my anniversary

Notice I didn’t write ‘ours’?

Because this one

Well it’s entirely mine

Today marks exactly one year since I would rather have died than continue to live in the state of panic I was in

It might seem dramatic

I don’t know if I can explain the pain I was in

I remember my mom talking about how I was then

And she winced recollecting the sound of my crying

It was without a doubt the worst time of my life

That’s saying something

Since I’ve been through so much

Its strange to some people

That I would pick Multiple Sclerosis and the unknown

I would pick ITP and the biweekly bloodwork

I would choose those things in a heartbeat

I would choose those things if it meant never having to go through a mental health breakdown

Today

As I write this I’m in a much better place

Both literally and figuratively

I’m not freaking out at Humber’s unequipped emergency department

Pleading

No

Begging for someone to help me

Today

I will not focus on what I couldn’t do then

No

Today,

I’m at my home

That I share with my husband of 12 years

My two dogs

Vinnie and Benny.

I woke up this morning

I brushed my teeth and washed my face

I had coffee and breakfast

I rearranged some furniture

I did some art

Now I’m writing this blog

It’s all so unexceptional

And I am so fucking grateful

‘Change Is The Only Constant In Life’

The streets were empty, grey and tragic

It was early morning

Raining gently

After everything had happened…

The shops and houses were in ruins

She could see the inside, the guts of what remained

Wondering mindlessly downtown

What was once such a bustling metropolis

Now deserted

Except for her

She wasn’t sure what she was doing

Why she was even here

She had walked here

After everything…

She thought what was once the heart of this city would hold some answers for her

On what was next

But seeing it like this

Empty and desolate

Only made her think that nothing would ever be the same again

She continued walking

Stepping over large cracks and tattered remains

She made her way to what had been her favourite place

An oasis in the city

Once upon a time anyway…

To read, to listen to music, to people watch

Now it was just a blank canvas

She stood in the middle

Where a fountain had been

She circled around

Examining everything from that formerly central spot

It was quiet and sort of peaceful actually

It was never peaceful

Even back when she would sit around on the benches

There had always been a low level hum of noise

Of a city on the verge of erupting

Now there was just…nothing

A thought occurred to her

She quite enjoyed the nothingness

After so much chaos, it was a balm for her shattered nerves

She headed to where the grass had once been

Laid down across scorched earth

Put her hands behind her head

Felt the gentle pitter patter of rain on her skin

Looked up into the wide endless sky

The clouds were clearing

She peered upwards

Fixated on a spot where a brilliant blue began to spread

She closed her eyes

She felt a change in the air

A shift within herself

Somehow she knew

This was just the beginning

And then in what surely must have been the first time in months

She smiled…

2019

This year has been so tumultuous

Right from the start in fact

I remember last New Year’s Eve

We had decided to stay home and then at the last minute we went up to my sisters house

I was so anxious

I had to take Ativan to get me there

To go to my sisters house

Where it would be a casual night with some friends

The worst would be still to come

In the early days of 2019

I went to emergency rooms

To crisis centres

I felt like I was going crazy

I was so afraid

All the time

I didn’t want Joey to leave me alone

I ended up staying with my parents for what I thought would be a short time

It was 4 months until I went back home

To my husband

To my dogs

To my own home

I didn’t know then that there would still be so many battles ahead

2019 brought with it a rare blood disorder

That I still don’t know if it’s permanently here to stay

It brought a 3 day hospitalization due to aforementioned blood disorder

It brought a disastrous trip to Florida in which Joey and I both thought I was going to die

It brought tears

Biweekly blood tests

New fears

It brought pain and a lot of heartache

2019 also brought me a peace within I’ve never really known before

Through creating art

It brought me the ability to make and hell…even sell art

It brought me friends made in group therapy

It brought me closure and a kind of acceptance with my panic disorder and MS

2019 brought to the forefront

A strength I did not think I possessed

It brought the undeniable knowledge

That I’m a fighter

And a survivor

With it came the ability to want to celebrate my life

So for my 38th bday I did

For once

I didn’t hate my birthday

I had a huge soirée and celebrated myself

2019

I’m not sorry to see you go

I don’t think I can honestly say I’m happy you were ever here

But without any hesitance or wavering

I can undoubtedly say

You showed me things about myself that I still hadn’t learned in 38 years

I’m grateful 2019 is coming to an end

And although you won’t disappear without having left a mark or scar on me

I wouldn’t be me without you

And I can’t be mad at you for that…

The Perfect Storm

I’ve been thinking a lot lately

Thinking about people…society

Thinking about being a ‘sick person’

About having a mental illness

I struggled long before my MS diagnosis

I struggled for years because of anxiety and depression

Even with treatment, I still struggled

Like MS, there is no cure for my mental illness

There is no quick fix

Even the medical treatments for both come with explicit warnings and precautions

So it seems like there a lot of similarities

Except for one major difference between my mental health and MS:

The way society perceives both

While many people don’t understand or really know what MS is all about

There is more empathy for people with MS than there is for mental heath sufferers

People seem to acknowledge that nobody would choose to have MS

However with mental health, people place a huge amount of responsibility on the individuals shoulders

Especially with mood disorders like mine

‘Snap out of it’

‘Be positive’

‘Exercise..it’ll make you feel better’

I’m sure I could fill countless pages with similar pieces of unsolicited advice

Not just from friends and family

But also from the medical field

It’s almost funny how after I found out about the MS

There was a certain credibility that I was awarded

My mental illness wasn’t enough to warrant unbiased compassion

But MS…

That’s different

Or maybe it’s the combination

Like your mom’s handwritten recipe for human compassion

While I’m grateful it’s awarded me more understanding in some avenues of my life

Something about it also strikes me

It must mean that I’ve become something like the perfect storm

The time the internet turned against me..

So I nonchalantly commented on a Vice Canada article about whether or not Don Cherry should be fired for his xenophobic comments.

My comment was solely on the story and agreed that Don Cherry has gotten away with this behaviour for too long and should be fired.

The amount of hate I got was a little startling.

I’m a lot older than the typical person who gets cyber bullied so I’m a little removed from this sort of thing.

People immediately went after me

They went after my appearance firstly.

They stereotyped me for my hair colour.

They called me fat.

Said I was dumb, stupid and so much more.

Instantly, I wanted to hit back.

After all, that’s what you do when you’ve been attacked.

But I quickly learned it was getting me nowhere other than infuriated.

I deleted my comment.

Not because I don’t stand by it (because I do)

Not because I can’t handle the criticism (because I can)

But because this war behind a computer or a phone or whatever

Is not one I can win.

That anyone can win.

People become so brave they will literally say anything or do anything.

Frankly, it makes me afraid of the world we live in.

How scary is it when you can’t even risk speaking your opinion for fear of retribution?

This speaks to something so much bigger than internet trolls out for blood.

This is a not a liberated society.

This is totalitarian.

If you dare to step out of line you risk facing the wrath of the legions of people willing to do and say whatever it takes to make their mark.

While I can handle the criticisms, I can’t handle the anger and anxiety that explodes inside of me as a result of such an encounter.

I was so angry at the words they were tossing around.

Not because I’m hurt by them but because someone else might be.

Some teenager might be reading along in agreement and see the inflamed ego it caused and the hurled insults and bullying that ensued.

They might not have the self security to hold strong to their own beliefs.

And that is the biggest tragedy of all.