A very insightful friend recently asked ‘Angela, but what if the treatment works?’
And it occurred to me that I’ve been focusing on the week of infusions and the aftermath of side effects and never, not once, did the possibility of positive outcomes even enter this anxious and pessimistic brain.
So for transparency sake I’ll be honest here…I’ve always thought positivity was being fake, ignoring the real shit and focusing on the fairy tale. I would always say ‘I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist’ and while I still believe part of that is true. I’ve also become aware that now for my survival, I need to not just dip my toes in the positivity ocean but take a full-forced running leap into it. Make-believe or not. It doesn’t even matter at this point. What matters is that if I continue to focus on all the scary treatment and every possible side effect, I’m going to either not do the treatment or I’m going to suffer my way through it. My eyesight is more important than my negativity parading as realism vice versa and suffering has never been something I’ve actively looked forward to.
So here it goes. If the treatment works, the following will be possible:
-I won’t be in pain on a daily basis
-I can watch tv with Joey and finally watch all those shows everyone is talking about!
-I can go to the movies!
-I can go to the bookstore and BUY an actual real life book!!! (Aaaaaack!!!!)
-I can return to working five days a week (which means the youth will have more of me and my pay check will be what it should be)
-I can be relied on
-I can pull my own weight around the house and not have to depend on Joey
-Joey will be less stressed out and happier
-I won’t have to rely on medication to temporarily take pain away
-I can wake up in the morning and feel good
-I won’t sleep my life away, alone in my room
-With the summer and heat approaching, I can enjoy the outdoors (maybe even symptom free)
-I can plan to travel to awesome places
-I can make plans with my friends and NOT cancel at the last minute (this is a big one for me)
-I can walk my dogs
And last but certainly not least, there is a 75% possibility that I will be relapse FREE for the next four years!!!
I may need to reread this on a daily basis until it becomes my mantra