It’s been a weird trip of a week. Surreal and sometimes out of body like..until the anxiety slams into me and I come out of it reminiscent of adrenaline shot to an overdosing junkie.
The anxiety comes and goes at odd times and it feels like it’s just there to remind me…not always in an negative way but also in a ‘look at what you’re doing’. For example, the first iv was in my left hand and was sore and pinchy from the beginning when the nurse asked I told her how it felt and she wanted to change it to the other hand, we tried but I panicked and couldn’t continue. So we stuck with the original line.
After last nights amazing removal, we agreed to try again in the right hand. And after all the anxious thoughts and panic, it was a success and it felt 10x better than the original one with minimal pain. Had I given less power to my anxiety, I would have spent less time in both unnecessarily anxiety and pain, you reminded me not pay you little fucker more attention that what you deserve. And that is to acknowledge the fucker’s presence, and let it fade into oblivion.
The rest of the day was fine no major humps to face aside from the occasional nausea and headaches all dealt with promptly by Nurse S.
As the day ended I was informed she would be joining me on my last day at a different infusion office and it literally made my smile just life up. She has been a tremendous support and I hope she knows how she made this week infinitely more manageable on me.
Tonight was rough. I felt beat down. It wasn’t just mental fatigue but it was all encompassing body drain. It’s what I would imagine any one would feel after a world weary battle. I feel calmer than I have in days and it’s no doubt a result of the week of things going on that has left me so depleted and for once it’s a good fucking thing.
I’m on my way to sleep and to everyone who reached out real or online or through or others or fuck even sent good vibes, a million thank you’s wouldn’t be enough. But your words and your peppy talk have helped me remember to keep to fighting through. So for you, dear reader, if all you did was read my blog or comment on social media or fuck even just thought about me. My heartfelt gratitude extends to everyone single of you.
And to Team Angela (you know who you are, even the ones who were unable to take roster spots or the ones who provided me with excellent insights that I haven’t even explored)
The darkness receded today. And for right now, that’s enough.
Life goes on,
Angela ‘Strong Like Bull’ 🐃