When I first started experiencing panic attacks, I read a book on panic disorder and anxiety and how to cope with it.
It spoke about it in euphemisms of dragons and how the more you fuelled the dragon, the stronger and more powerful it became.
All these years later and that has stuck out so clearly in my muddled brain.
When you’re the one with that anxiety problems, that’s exactly how you envision it: this powerful, fire-breathing and larger than life creature…at least that’s how I have always envisioned it.
What makes it so all-consuming, is that it’s a product of your own fucked up brain, and that means it can play upon all your biggest fears and insecurities because it’s the very one that invented them.
I’ve learned time and time again that if I could just stop feeding the dragon, if I could accept the fears and not fight so hard against them, it would be uncomfortable but it would eventually dissolve into a puddle of memories.
It sounds simplistic. Stop fighting it. Accept it.
Let it run its course.
But that’s the ironic twist of it all…anxiety is all about the minds constant racing, conjuring up all the possibilities.
A therapist once told me that anxious people have an certain part of the brains that are lit up, unlike other people.
That people who are anxious are usually very intelligent and that’s what makes them analyze and ponder over every single fucking possibility.
So of course it would make some brutal sort of sense that turning off our brains would be the one thing that absolves our pain.
It’s like drowning but telling people that they will survive, the waves will cease..if only they stop struggling
I wish that if I could accept it one time, it would be enough to erase all my future suffering.
I can’t say it aloud but maybe if I write it out, like a silent incantation…it can come true.
I’ll accept it, if it could just promise me back that it would be enough.
Just promise to save me before the waves wash me away