Some days I lay in bed thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made, the stupid shit I’ve said or done and the failures I’ve had.
It’s funny because my brain seems wired to do that although I’m sure many people would disagree
Like a song on repeat
Over and over
But it never gets stuck on the good things I’ve accomplished
The people I’ve housed, the youths who I have talked out of dark times or any of the positive impacts I might have had on people
No not even a little
Even now I had to search my brain for those things
In the deep recesses
Hidden from plain sight
But that minimum wage paying job at the House of Ill Repute job that I canned from?
Like 15 years ago?
Yeah that still niggles in my brain
Those ‘friends’ I’ve lost?
I still question what I did or didn’t do
The kids I couldn’t help…the ones that didn’t make it
I should have said this or that or been a more qualified worker…
The mean things I’ve said to people I care about.
Why did I do that? Why was I so hurtful?
It’s like I’m watching an epic story tale playing out behind my eyelids
But I can’t turn it off
And it’s so vivid
And way too bright
So hard to sit through
And I keep wanting to tell the main character not to make that mistake
Or say that stupid comment
Or feel that fucking way
But it’s too late, the story is over
I’m left reeling
And I can’t even remember what the point of the movie even was
It leaves me confused
And I can no longer tell if I was the villain or the hero
Life goes on,