The credits keep rolling 

Some days I lay in bed thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made, the stupid shit I’ve said or done and the failures I’ve had.

It’s funny because my brain seems wired to do that although I’m sure many people would disagree

Like a song on repeat

Over and over

But it never gets stuck on the good things I’ve accomplished

The people I’ve housed, the youths who I have talked out of dark times or any of the positive impacts I might have had on people

No not even a little

Even now I had to search my brain for those things

In the deep recesses

Hidden from plain sight

But that minimum wage paying job at the House of Ill Repute job that I canned from?

Like 15 years ago?

Yeah that still niggles in my brain

Those ‘friends’ I’ve lost?

I still question what I did or didn’t do

The kids I couldn’t help…the ones that didn’t make it

I should have said this or that or been a more qualified worker…

The mean things I’ve said to people I care about.

Why did I do that? Why was I so hurtful? 

It’s like I’m watching an epic story tale  playing out behind my eyelids

But I can’t turn it off

And it’s so vivid

And way too bright

So hard to sit through

And I keep wanting to tell the main character not to make that mistake

Or say that stupid comment

Or feel that fucking way

But it’s too late, the story is over

I’m left reeling

And I can’t even remember what the point of the movie even was

It leaves me confused

And I can no longer tell if I was the villain or the hero

Life goes on,

Angela xo

2 thoughts on “The credits keep rolling ”

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