Distress lines

I’m sitting here on my bed on hold with a distress line

The irony is not lost on me

I’ve called one of these before

A long time ago

I was scared then

And I didn’t know what to do

My anxiety was so bad

I couldn’t leave the house

And my panic attacks were so debilitating 

I was so afraid of what was happening in my brain

And the loss of control I felt

It’s different now

I’m not scared 

And that makes it even worse 

Somehow 

I know what happens after the panic subsides

And the anxiety becomes manageable

Bearable

But these other feelings and thoughts remain

Like bitter reminders 

And the inexplicable sadness is suffocating

The quiet is haunting

The pain is excruciating 

And I do what we all do

I reach out


For someone to help me

To make it better

To stop the sadness so I can breathe

To shatter the quiet

To minimize the pain 

It’s been something like 10 plus years since the last time I called a distress line 

The only similarity between these two times, is the lack of hope I felt

Hope for better

Hope for different 

Hope for a sense of peace

There’s no hope in my heart

There’s none in my mind

There’s only the automated message reminding me that there are so many other souls out there tonight who can’t find any hope to hold on to either

Somehow that makes me feel a little less sad 

And the irony isn’t lost on me 

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Graffiti Alley

Not the one I remember from my youth, but this picture does evoke the feelings I had when I was 15 at the original Grafitti Alley. Felt like I was exploring an unknown secret place. Like Harry Potter and Diagon Valley. I remember going home afterwards and smelling like incense and vintage clothes and unwrapping my small purchases and feeling so giddy that I knew of a hidden place with all kinds of the coolest shit my 15 year old could even conjur up.

Delusional hope vs. Hopeful delusion

hope

hōp/

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

synonyms: aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design, dream, daydream, pipe dream

de·lu·sion
dəˈlo͞oZHən/

1. an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.
synonyms: misapprehension, misconception, misunderstanding, mistake, error, misinterpretation, misconstruction, misbelief; fallacy, illusion, fantasy

I keep questioning if I made the right decision in doing the Lemtrada treatment 

I obviously knew about the risks associated

But I don’t think I really grasped how shitty I might feel after the treatment 

Complications and consequences always seem so far fetched 

But of course, there was always that worry in the back of my brain that  maybe I’d be worse off after the treatment 

But hope is a funny thing

It makes you think of possibilities that extend far beyond your wildest dreams 

Hope is supposed to be a positive feeling

Unlike, say delusions

At some point

You have to wonder if your hope is nothing more than a delusion

You have to wonder if you should look back on your life, the facts of your life 

And review the outcomes, weigh the evidence 

And calculate the possibilities that that ‘hope’ is nothing more than a delusion

If it’s nothing more than: 

‘an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder

See, herein lies the problem 

I like facts

I like evidence

I like scientifically backed information

I like making decisions based on such things

I do not like wishful thinking

I do not like wondering about the could be’s

And yet, in spite of all of this

I still hope that my delusion is real

It wouldn’t be luck if you could get out of life alive

What do you do when you’ve finally made it to the top of the summit

And then you discover another mountain

After your blood, sweat and tears have been used up and there is without a doubt, nothing left

What do you do?

You see a new mountain

And it’s not necessarily bigger

Or more intimidating 

But it’s one more mountain

And you thought you were done

Your hiking boots are worn out and your feet are blistered and swollen

And you wonder if there really is only one more mountain

What do you do?

You can’t see past this new mountain and there could be another one

There could be a dozen more

You’ve already erected that victory flag

The one you thought represented your greatest struggle 

And now it waves mockingly in the wind

Reminding you that your victory was short lived and the battle ain’t even close to over 

It’s only just begun

That fight that motivated you up that first mountain has been all used up

And that fight deep inside has been stamped out by the never ending obstacles that keep popping up 

What do you do?

When the people cheering you on have all gone away 

And the stories of success have all been written

What do you do?

When it’s just you and that next mountain

and it just stands there with every intention of waiting you out

And it knows you’ve got no way around it

It’s just you against that motherfucking mountain 

Just you 

and 

another 

fucking 

mountain