The line begins to blur


I had a weird moment the other day

I went swimming and obviously had to take off my glasses
I couldn’t see shit

I got so frustrated

I went into the water and put on goggles

And

The world came into focus 

Crystal clear and vivid

I glided under the water 

It felt like I was dreaming 

I could see like I could before MS fucked everything up

And I know it was just the inside of a swimming pool

But

It was so fucking perfect

All bright colours

And defined lines

I put my arms out in front of me 

I watched them 

Thinking how something so insignificant like my fucking outstretched arms

Could be so beautiful

I came out of the water several times

And dove under again

Testing the waters

Literally

Every time I went under

The world slipped back into focus

I’m sure there’s some scientific reasoning behind this

But I don’t really care 

Because for those brief moments

I didn’t struggle to see what was around me

I wasn’t being reminded of my disability

It was flawless

I was flawless

And then I got out of the water

And reality crashed like waves

The world was darker

Unfocused 

Everything was dimmed

Fucking irony

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None of us gets out of here aliveĀ 

Driving home during a rainstorm

Lost in the pitter patter of the falling drops and swish swish of the windshield wipers

Out of blackness a thought came barrelling through 

It felt so crystal clear

Like something tangible that I could reach out and touch 

It was so real…

I’ve wasted so much time

Not living 

Just barely existing

I wish I could blame it on being diagnosed with MS

But it started way before that

I think it goes so far back that I barely remember a time where I viewed life as something to be enjoyed

And not as something to suffer through 

I went to a new therapist

And amidst all of the background questions

He asked when was the last time I felt that things were good for the most part

And it pained me to say that I couldn’t recall such a time

It makes me wonder when I unconsciously put my life on hold while waiting for the dark clouds to pass me by

It makes me wonder why I thought that I could wait out something as patient as depression

It makes me wonder when I gave in

It makes me wonder when I gave up

That strength you see is my struggle to survive

Not the struggle to live

Not the struggle to be happy

But just to make it through 

one more 

fucking day

And I’ve been caught up in the need for preservation

Instead of the determination of perseverance