I don’t know whether I’m the boxer or the bag

The doctor asks if I feel that I have people in my life who look out for me

I am stumped by his question

I’m not sure what the right answer is

I hate feeling stumped 

I don’t know what answer he is looking for 

Do I go with what I think he wants to hear?

Sure, I have people in my life that watch my back

Do I go with honesty even if it makes me look miserable?

No, I know people care about me, but at the end of the day, I’m in this alone 

Are we supposed to feel that our loved ones will be so proactive as to protect us? 

It makes me wonder do people out there actually feel like someone is looking out for them?

Like some sort of guardian angel…

Do people think that their loved ones are so selfless as to be on guard for them?

Are we that selfish to think that people are so proactive in their love for us that they uphold some sort of duty?

Do I sound like a despondent depressed person?

Is he going to think I need way more help than cognitive fucking therapy?

I mull his question over in my head

I swirl different answers around on my tongue

Trying them on for what feels right 

I come to an answer I think I can live with

That I won’t kick myself for

It’s on my lips

And I can’t say it without a break in my voice

I try once

Twice

Shit

That makes me sound so…

Weak

I decide I don’t want to answer this

It doesn’t mean anything

It doesn’t say anything about me

About my mental health and wellness

Who comes up with these fucking questions anyway?

What box does this check off on his assessment of me

But

If I tell him that I don’t want to answer

It’ll make me sound more freakin insane than I think I actually am

So fuck it

I can own up to my shit

I’m good at that

And you know what, I don’t need anyone to look out for me

I’ve always carried the strongest shield 

The thickest armour 

So what if I’m usually the one pointing the gun on the other end?

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