The doctor asks if I feel that I have people in my life who look out for me
I am stumped by his question
I’m not sure what the right answer is
I hate feeling stumped
I don’t know what answer he is looking for
Do I go with what I think he wants to hear?
Sure, I have people in my life that watch my back
Do I go with honesty even if it makes me look miserable?
No, I know people care about me, but at the end of the day, I’m in this alone
Are we supposed to feel that our loved ones will be so proactive as to protect us?
It makes me wonder do people out there actually feel like someone is looking out for them?
Like some sort of guardian angel…
Do people think that their loved ones are so selfless as to be on guard for them?
Are we that selfish to think that people are so proactive in their love for us that they uphold some sort of duty?
Do I sound like a despondent depressed person?
Is he going to think I need way more help than cognitive fucking therapy?
I mull his question over in my head
I swirl different answers around on my tongue
Trying them on for what feels right
I come to an answer I think I can live with
That I won’t kick myself for
It’s on my lips
And I can’t say it without a break in my voice
I try once
That makes me sound so…
I decide I don’t want to answer this
It doesn’t mean anything
It doesn’t say anything about me
About my mental health and wellness
Who comes up with these fucking questions anyway?
What box does this check off on his assessment of me
If I tell him that I don’t want to answer
It’ll make me sound more freakin insane than I think I actually am
So fuck it
I can own up to my shit
I’m good at that
And you know what, I don’t need anyone to look out for me
I’ve always carried the strongest shield
The thickest armour
So what if I’m usually the one pointing the gun on the other end?