Sipping on chemical cocktails

I’m what the psychiatric world calls ‘medication compliant’

That means I take the drug cocktails prescribed by disinterested doctors like a good girl 

Open, swallow, repeat

It started with just one pill to take the anxiety I was feeling away

Then it doubled and tripled

And to get better I had to get so sick

Nauseous and numb 

Hospitals and late nights 

Feeling like an outsider in the psychiatric wing

Listening to the screams and cries of people 

While I sat frozen in fear and silence

Then they added another pill to the mix

You know…

To deal with the depression the anxiety had dropped me into

All the doctors with their notepads and padded wallets from pushing pharmaceuticals

Pharmaceuticals where reading the side effects were like reading the symptoms of the disease it’s meant to treat

Open, swallow, repeat

And then there’s a magical white pill that absolves me of everything including the intensity of feelings

In the fog of it all, are the self righteous people who preach medication isn’t the answer

To questions they know nothing about

Like

Why can’t my brain just fucking stop?

Why can’t I just be fucking happy?

I wouldn’t wish even a minute of a panic attack on even them

I wouldn’t want even them burdened with the weight of depression 

I worry about zombie apocalypses and World War Three

Not for the risk to humanity 

But of how I’ll get my medication 

How will I beat the zombies and the army when I’m going through withdrawal? 

When I start panicking

When I start falling

Open, swallow, repeat

Never miss a dose

Like a good patient 

What would my brain be like without all the medications? 

I picture it like a flickering light bulb in a bad storm

Thunder, lightening

Flicker, flicker 

Over and over again

Like a mouse running on a wheel

Never going anywhere

Running towards nothing

Open and swallow and repeat

Until…

The

End

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