Alive to the universe. Dead to the world

It’s my birthday today.                          I never do well with these.                   I dont know why.                               Too much expectation?                       On myself of course                          Not the day.                                  There’s nothing anyone around me is doing wrong.                                   It’s me

36 years old.                                      And at every age along the way           I thought to myself                                By this age,                                               I should have…                              Should have done more.            Should have had more.              Should have been more

I’m not sure where this feeling of never enough began.                            I only know it persists.               Despite my best intentions.   Approaching every birthday I think to myself                                            This will be different.                       This will be the birthday that I’m happy and content to just be.     Where I will simply look forward to the future.                                        With no expectations.                    Only hope to guide me on

Every year                                    During the last week of September.    I find myself slipping.               Slipping into a bad mood.                   A dark place.                                            I try to break the cycle.                         I force myself to see sunny skies.  And happy clouds.                             But instead                                          All I see are gloomy skies and threatening clouds.                          And I know my birthday is coming up again.                                 Reminding me that I’m alive to the universe                                            Even if I’m dead to the world 

People wonder why I make it such a big deal.                                                    I wish they could see the battle inside.                                                      Because it is a big deal.              Where I fight against the darkness trying to take over.                      Where I rail against the face looking back at me in the mirror                    To stop being so fucking sad.               I close my eyes tightly.                      And wish it hard as I can.                  To just be happy for once               This birthday                                    This time.                                             This year.                                              It’ll be different.                                   I’ll be different
And                                                    Every year                                   Leading up to this day.                     The days feel harder.                       The nights feel lonelier.                    The world seems colder.                 And when it’s time to close my eyes.   And wish wish wish.                         My wish is the same as always.  Despite years of never coming true.  Fuck it.                                                     I wish for it anyway.                         This could be the one time the wish is heard and granted.                            I close my eyes.                            Tightly                                                Tune out the noise around me.           I hold my breath.                              And I let it out slowly.                       And I wish.                                        Once again.                                              I wish to just be happy.                  Even                                                      Just a little 

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21 thoughts on “Alive to the universe. Dead to the world”

  1. I totally understand how you are feeling. I hate birthdays because it is one year older but not much changes. Here is the crazy thing that might just make you smile! I turned 36 yesterday. How crazy is that, we both battles MS and are the same after with birthdays one day apart? Even though I know birthdays as we get older kind of suck, I hope you had a good day or at least a relaxing day! Take care my dear and get some rest tonight!!! Remember, I am ALWAYS here for you to chat with!!!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. OH WOW, that is so cool! Do you like it there? I have heard that health care is better than here in the states. My husband and I have talked a lot about moving!

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      2. Oh hell same thing here. How are the temperatures? My husband thinks it is colder mord frequently. We live in the south so it is hot most of the time

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      3. The temperatures most of the year are decent. Our summers can get really hot and humid and winters aren’t usually frigid like in other places of Canada

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      4. Oh wow it sounds amazing. We go snowboarding, my husband loves it and I tolerate it. I spend a lot of the time in the lodge drinking:)!

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      5. It can be a beautiful place but there are so many people! It is a busy city. There are two lakes near by where we live. It is funny, I love the ocean and my husband loves the cold, mountains and snow. He does enjoy the ocean too but the ocean is my favorite place to be. Are you at all close to an ocean?

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      6. Toronto as well. Super busy lots of people. Not close to an ocean at all! Close to Lake Ontario but well it’s not swimmable! And the one thing I really love is to swim and I love the calm of the ocean

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