‘We don’t even ask for happiness, just a little less pain’

Today

I feel defeated

It was time to go for my monthly blood test

And so I did

Without any problems

I waved bye to my favourite lab technician

She remembered to get the butterfly to take blood from my hand

She rarely leaves bruises

She remembers I need to lie down during the process

I forgot her name and called her by the wrong name

I hope she knows that her kindness has made a difference to me

Even though I still can’t remember her fucking name for the life of me

I walked out the doors and into the car where Joey was waiting

I sipped water

Like I always need to do

But always seem to forget to grab a bottle from home

You probably wouldn’t understand

It’s an anxiety thing

He asked how it went

Looking at the cotton ball taped hand

Proof that I’d succeeded

And then I felt the dam break inside of me

I started crying

Not hysterical

Not sobbing

Just an overwhelming feeling of discouragement and sadness came over me

Resulting in tears down my face

I kept thinking

Maybe I said it aloud too

I don’t remember

I can’t do this for another five years

I just can’t

The needle

The waiting

The results

Will this month be the one where I learn I have some type of cancer?

Will next months test reveal that I have something wrong with my kidneys?

Internal bleeding?

Everyone reassured me the monthly blood tests would get easier

But I’m like 8 months in

And I dread everything about this day and the week afterwards

Before you rush to point it out

Yes of course I’m proud that I’ve been able to do it

Yes of course I know that it could be worse

Yes of course I know that I signed up for this

Yes yes yes

Of course

There’s nothing you can say that I don’t already know

That I don’t repeat to myself a million times a day

That I don’t mutter under my breath whenever these fears creep in

That just doesn’t make me feel any better

And yet

Here I am

8 months in

I’m still alive

But that voice in my head

Just keeps talking

Keeps taunting me

Keeps haunting me

Keeps reminding me

This is your life now

The blood tests, the results page, the friendly lab techs whose names I don’t remember, the urine containers that I struggle to pee in, the anxiety

And the fear

That what if

In the end

None of it was worth it…?

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6 thoughts on “‘We don’t even ask for happiness, just a little less pain’”

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