‘Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.’

Multiple Sclerosis and Mental Health difficulties equals lots of sick days taken at different jobs over the years
It equals less money coming home
Because you run out of sick days when you can’t see out of one eye
Because you run out of sick days when you’re too depressed to get up
Because you don’t have an endless supply of sick time
Because you have to take unpaid sick days

And then
Money equals stress
No one prepares you for this
The strain
Strain on employment
Strain on mental health
Strain on physical health
Strain on marriage
Strain on social life
Strain on life in general
Nobody gives you a magic wad of endless cash to alleviate the stress and the havoc that all of this plays on your financial freedom

And then there’s this
I’ve never been someone who cares about what people think of me
But this is something that troubles me
I hate knowing that there are people out there who think
I’m lazy
I’ve got a shitty work ethic
I’m not ambitious
I don’t care about responsibilities and obligations

And then I think
I think maybe if I didn’t have anxiety
I think maybe if I wasn’t depressed
I think maybe if I didn’t have Multiple Sclerosis
I think maybe if I wasn’t fucked up
I think maybe if I just wasn’t me
I think that maybe then
Maybe then
I could have been so much more
Maybe then I could have been the person I wanted to be
Maybe then I would be a Social Worker
Maybe then I’d be a Counsellor
Maybe then I’d be respected by all my work peers
Maybe then I’d not have to worry about money
Maybe then I’d feel proud of myself
Maybe then I could go on vacation
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like such a burden
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel guilty all of the fucking time

Maybe maybe maybe
So caught up in the maybes of my life
There are just so many
The could have beens of my future
The endless possibilities
The jobs I won’t get
The places I won’t go
The person I won’t ever become

And now
I’m stuck with this
Dreamt up
Imaginary
Wished for
Version of myself
That
Haunts
Me

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13 thoughts on “‘Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.’”

  1. I really understand everything you wrote! Life with MS, anxiety from the MS and depression from the MS all seem so unbearable sometimes. I honestly feel like life over the past 3 or 4 months have been SO incredible fucked up. You make me speak and know the real truth and for that I THANK you!!! You are more inspirational than you even know!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so beautifully written, you are so strong. It is so so easy to get caught up in all the negatives of MS and forget that that isn’t all your are
    Thank you so much for being so true and honest x

    Like

  3. I could have written this.
    The wondering. The who you thought, or who you KNOW you could have been before the body/brain you were given started to interfere. Wanting to tell your new managers, coworkers, friends “I was on my way back then. It wasn’t my fault. Everyone said I was brilliant/a stalwart/reliable. I still would be….if ……x, y and z didn’t derail me”

    Thank you for writing. It helps to know how common these feelings are.

    I just tell myself “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are”.

    Some days it’s hard to implement when thinking about what you DID, with what you HAD, where you WERE. lol

    N

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for reading and for leaving a comment. It’s funny because I would totally tell someone else struggling the exact things you tell yourself but for myself? I’m just so much harder

      Like

  4. The opinion of others has no value in your life; especially if it’s negative.

    In this life, you’ve been given a “shitty” character according to your description, but why not enjoy the beauty of life? No one chooses to be born, and no one chose what features they’d be born with. Everyone has something to complain about, but instead of wasting time and energy on complaining, we, you and I, could be celebrating life together!

    If there’s something you really want to do, there’s a way to raise money to help you get there.

    A few years ago, I wrote stories on a different account while backpacking and asked for donations, since I didn’t have a lot of money at the time but wanted to travel. Needless to say, I was able to travel for a few months with the help of so many generous people.

    So, if life is a game, you can only live one life at at time, so live this one to the fullest!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does have value though and not because I want it to but because I don’t run the world. And as a result the opinions of others impacts the world I inhabit. I do enjoy the beauty of life however it becomes harder to bask in its beauty when there are so many barriers in the way. It’s like seeing Mona Lisa through a tiny little pin prick of a view. Is there something there that is beautiful? I only know that because other people have told me but because my viewpoint is so restricted I can’t see the entirety of its alleged beauty.
      I’m not so sure I even know what it means to live life to the fullest. Maybe I did at one time but now my life seems as limited as that narrow viewpoint of the Mona Lisa.

      Like

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