Happy birthday to my better half

You have a light within you

That’s brilliant and warm

Just enough to make it cozy

Your light makes people want to be near you

To bask and enjoy its warmth

It makes me wish for things that aren’t meant for people like me

I used to wish you could take my darkness away and change me

But now I understand so much better

You can’t carry my darkness

It’s mine for a reason

But somehow

I can still see your brilliant light through my darkness

And that is enough for me

And that means more to me than you can ever know

Happy birthday to the guy that makes my life brighter ❤️

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‘We are often at war with ourselves. You have to find that balance between your heart and mind.’

I feel like a total failure

Whenever my anxiety spikes or my depression rears it’s ugly head

Like it’s my fault

After all these years

That I still can’t control these demons

I feel the same when an MS symptom flares up

Like my eyes

Especially my eyes

When my eyes hurt

I feel it everywhere

I feel nauseous

My head hurts

I feel tired

And most of all

I feel it in my heart

I feel my heart drop

With discouragement and dismay

There’s commentary that goes along with it

It’s usually an ‘oh shit here we go again’

Then my mind follows suit

And says ‘It’s never gonna get better’

Then my heart and mind go back and forth

But sometimes my heart beats a different tune and thumps out that ‘wait, it’s gotten better before’

And my mind responds matter-of-factly ‘but it always comes back’

My heart and my mind go on like this

Warring with each other

Back and forth

Just like the way Multiple Sclerosis has on the rest of my body

Fighting with its own immune system

No wonder I’m so tired all of the time

My body

My mind

My heart

My chronic illness

My fucking lesions on my brain

Are all engaged in this never-ending back and forth

This eternal war

Where there is no end in sight

For this battle can’t be won

Not with guns or bombs

Not with peace treaty’s that are never kept

The only way to win

Is if one side finally gives in

How is it the same sky

I floated endlessly

On my back

Arms outstretched

Looking up at a sky

That seemed so close that I could reach out and touch its beauty

Looking up at clouds that looked so soft

That they would catch and soothe anyone’s fall

Even mine

All around me were people laughing and talking

Blissfully unaware

Of the moment I was having

Just me and that perfect fucking sky

I could feel the sun warming my skin all over me

Both weathering and rejuvenating me

I wish I could have stayed

Floating in that perfect moment

Forever

Just hitting the pause button on the story of my life

To revel in the beauty of the world around me

Above me

No pain of suffering

Only peacefulness

It was only out of the corner of my eye

That I could see a dark angry cloud inching closer

But it was in that moment of perfection that

I realized I could just close my eyes

And then

I could pretend that it wouldn’t take away my beautiful sky

And then

I could hold on to that feeling

Just a little while longer

Suspended in time

Baptized beneath a perfect sky

Floating weightlessly and without worry

Still me

But different

My soul; no longer restless

Just calm

Beneath my perfect infinite sky