‘We are often at war with ourselves. You have to find that balance between your heart and mind.’

I feel like a total failure

Whenever my anxiety spikes or my depression rears it’s ugly head

Like it’s my fault

After all these years

That I still can’t control these demons

I feel the same when an MS symptom flares up

Like my eyes

Especially my eyes

When my eyes hurt

I feel it everywhere

I feel nauseous

My head hurts

I feel tired

And most of all

I feel it in my heart

I feel my heart drop

With discouragement and dismay

There’s commentary that goes along with it

It’s usually an ‘oh shit here we go again’

Then my mind follows suit

And says ‘It’s never gonna get better’

Then my heart and mind go back and forth

But sometimes my heart beats a different tune and thumps out that ‘wait, it’s gotten better before’

And my mind responds matter-of-factly ‘but it always comes back’

My heart and my mind go on like this

Warring with each other

Back and forth

Just like the way Multiple Sclerosis has on the rest of my body

Fighting with its own immune system

No wonder I’m so tired all of the time

My body

My mind

My heart

My chronic illness

My fucking lesions on my brain

Are all engaged in this never-ending back and forth

This eternal war

Where there is no end in sight

For this battle can’t be won

Not with guns or bombs

Not with peace treaty’s that are never kept

The only way to win

Is if one side finally gives in

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7 thoughts on “‘We are often at war with ourselves. You have to find that balance between your heart and mind.’”

  1. Oh goodness Honey, I totally understand! I have felt like there has been a constant war in my body for a while now. I thought that the war was over a week or so ago when I felt normal, but the war is back on again! I want to believe things will get better for both of us someday! You are an amazing person that is able to put your words together in such a beautiful and passionate way! I know it is hard but try to stay strong and positive, you know even though they do not stay around as long as the bad days, there are good days as well! Sending you LOTS of love and comfort my dear!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know it feels like our bodies are betraying us all the time but sometimes I think anything that happens is just the way it is supposed to be. I know how insane that sounds and I am not preaching from the bible at all. It was always my belief that the story of our life was written before we were born and we are just here to play the part. I hope you are feeling better now!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I totally understand that feeling!!! I try to be positive but sometimes it might be a little forced! Life has been full of stress and you know how horrible that can be on our bodies.

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  2. That war is something I can understand, from my own experience. Sometimes, it feels as though it’ll never end.
    I can’t really offer advice, but I can offer a hug and positive thoughts that things can and will be brighter in the future, for both of us. The war and the unrest can settle, the battle between our minds and our bodies will, hopefully, reach some kind of semi-peaceful truce!
    Beautifully written.x
    Caz

    Liked by 1 person

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