Has anyone ever told you that you were lucky to have found me?

No I didn’t think so

I can’t even count how many times I’ve been told how lucky I am to have you

Through my mental health issues and through my MS

Does it make me feel bad?

Of course

I would love to hear people say how lucky you are to have me in your life

Because that signifies the very opposite of a ‘burden

Which is what I feel far too often

All this makes me wonder

About how our life together could have been different

Thats a lie

I actually spend much more time than I’d care to admit wondering about how your life could have turned out differently had you not fallen into this

With me

That’s another lie

I don’t ponder how different it could be

I actually wonder how much better your life would have been if not for me

I have day-mares where I can see you with someone else

They manifest as day dreams that feel like nightmares

Where I’m relieved to see you looking so happy

But I’m scared and angry to see that it’s with someone who’s not me

This figment of my imagination

She’s a happy-go-lucky kinda woman

She enjoys the simple things in life

You two laugh together

A lot

She doesn’t have the baggage that weighs me down

The baggage that then in turn has weighed you down

She’s free

And with her

So are you

You guys own a small condo downtown

You take the dogs out for long walks to the park

Maybe to the lake in the summer

Those same summers that I stay inside air conditioned prisons because I can’t handle the heat

In the evenings

You go to the movies

Like we used to before MS stole so much from me

You watch blockbusters, indie flicks, documentaries

Then you go to coffee shops

She orders coffee with sugar and milk

Something simple

Not like my high maintenance needs

You sit there for hours and you talk and dream of all the places you’ll travel to

And you know since she doesn’t have anxiety

She won’t be terrified of getting on that long plane ride to Amsterdam

She doesn’t have MS obviously

No treatment coming up

No fears of getting sick

No limitations really

And she doesn’t take sick leaves

So money isn’t a worry

The world is her oyster

So in turn, it is yours too

She’s not chained with anxiety and depression like I am

Broken in thought and in spirit

She doesn’t yell and scream at you when the anxiety is so bad

She doesn’t mope and cry when the depression hits hard

She’s a youth worker like me

Unlike me, she goes to work every day

The kids love her of course

Who wouldn’t?

Her employer raves about her dedication to her job

You are so proud of her

Because you’re the same

You’re dedicated to your job

You share this motivation with her

You check off goals as easily as I write blogs about being discriminated against at work

Your family adores her

Because they see how happy she makes you

You can’t help but exude this contagious happiness when she’s near you

Your family feels it too

They spend long weekends with you both

At the cottage

Playing with the nieces and nephews

Laughing and playing cards

You go back to your cozy little condo

With the dogs

And she is just content

To sit there with you on the balcony and watch the sky

You see, that’s enough for someone like her

Simple and carefree

And for someone like you

Wonderful and deserving of the very best in life

And the day-mare fades to black

And I’m sitting there quietly in my room

Alone

And you call my name from downstairs

And I close my eyes

And I take a deep breath

And I get up out of bed convinced that this time I can do it

And force a smile on my face, the same one I think she would wear

And I make my way downstairs

I’m scared that when I meet your eyes, the spark they held in my day-mare, will be gone

It’s my own smile that slips before my foot even hits the last step

And

I’m just me again

The one who is so lucky to have you

The one who’s never given you reason to feel lucky to have her

The one who knows that it was her breath that extinguished your spark

The one who will always be sorry

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7 thoughts on “Has anyone ever told you that you were lucky to have found me?”

  1. I understand the sentiment Angela. From someone who lives with two people that suffer from anxiety issues, all that I can tell you is that from my perspective, when it happens my thought isn’t, oh shit, what did I do to deserve this. It’s, that poor thing, what can I do to help? It sounds like you have someone similar, and if that’s true I think it saddens him to think you worry about him like that, and that maybe it causes you more anxiety. Does that make sense?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does make sense. I have no doubt that he wouldn’t want me to worry and yet I just can’t believe him when he says he feels lucky. I think to myself ‘how the fuck could he?’ It’s a lose lose for him and for me I’m just making it worse

      Like

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