‘I’m a spokesman for myself. It just so happens that there’s a bunch of people that are concerned with what I have to say. I find that frightening at times because I’m just as confused as most people. I don’t have the answers for anything.’-KC

I feel all this pressure on me to be this inspirational and motivating figure because I have MS

I didn’t choose to have this

I woke up one day and my eye was blurry

That’s it

Seriously

If I had a choice

Obviously I would not choose MS

I’m not going to give you some bullshit story that MS has made me realize so much and that I’m grateful and blah blah blah

This isn’t some made for tv special

This isn’t a televised charity fundraiser

And I am not the fucking face of hope

I am a human being

Who happened to have a lot of shitty things happen to my body and brain

I could sit here and wax poetic about how although I was dealt a shitty hand, I’m going to persevere and make life all butterflies and rainbows

But I’m not that person

I won’t pretend that I am either

So that you dear reader feel comforted

So that you dear reader are inspired by my bravery

So that you dear reader can tell your friends how amazing that woman with MS is for never giving up

My job isn’t to try to be the main character in the feel good story of the day that you pass on to your work colleagues

I’m not sorry that my honesty makes you uncomfortable

I’m unapologetic that my truthfulness is too depressing for your delicate palette to digest

I have MS and mental illness

I did not choose them

And they both bring with them burdens that I can’t even begin to express

But I have a choice in this

And my choice is to speak my mind

To lay my honest feelings out there for the world to bear witness to

Or to ignore

In a world that has made so many choices for me

It is my choice on how I wish to exist in this world

And I choose to exist on my terms

Despite what people might think

I do see the beauty in life and in the world

But the beauty I see is in the flaws

The fault lines of the world

And the imperfections in people

Beauty wasn’t meant to be enjoyed by the masses

That is neutrality

And neutral is bland and boring

My world is not just shades of black and grey

I see colours

I vacillate between them being so vivid it hurts my eyes and my heart and my breath catches in my lungs

And other times they are so dimmed that I long to remember the way a certain colour is reflected in the light

I’m sure I could find a way to stomach writing platitudes in every blog about the wonderful things MS has given me

I’m sure that might even get me noticed in the blogosphere

And I might not be able to predict the course of my illness

Or if my anxiety and depression will worsen

But I know with unequivocal certainty

That I would rather die a thousand deaths

Then live for even a second pretending that MS and mental illness are really blessings in disguise

Let’s not make martyrs out of ourselves

I’m not suffering for the cause

No

Fuck that

I want to wake up one day as a person who does not have anxiety, depression and MS

The person I’ve only ever been in my dreams

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16 thoughts on “‘I’m a spokesman for myself. It just so happens that there’s a bunch of people that are concerned with what I have to say. I find that frightening at times because I’m just as confused as most people. I don’t have the answers for anything.’-KC”

  1. Woohoooo, I love it! So honest and well-said. Fuck this, fuck health problems we didn’t ask for, fuck being a martyr or a role model when the shoe doesn’t fit. We are who we are, dealing as best we can. This is why I find it so important that I’m honest with the personal pieces on my blog because I struggle (a lot!) and I’m not the person you want to read about to be inspired by all the amazing things I do despite illness (because I don’t do them) For me it’s baby steps and things aren’t always rosy. You rock! x
    Caz

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for totally getting it! I appreciate the honesty in other people’s blogs too. It doesn’t always mean it’s sad or depressing. It’s just truthful instead of covering it up with flowery words. Keep being you! Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I truly love and admire how completely real you always are. You do not sugar coat things so others will feel warm and fuzzy. I appreciate this so much about you! I always feel like everything I say is supposed to make everyone else feel happy and comfortable, but I mean come on the reality is life is not perfect for anyone. I love how you basically say fuck it all and you remain very honest! Honesty is something that is so rare but you give me hope! Thank you for always keeping things in perspective and very real!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel that way too sometimes. Like people want me to say certain things or act a certain way but at the end of the day I care more about how I feel about myself than how others feel about me. I hope you can find a way to ignore what people might want and do what you need to do xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have nothing to prove to anyone! If they do not like your way of being upfront and real, they are not worth your time! I love the fact that you are never fake! You and your thoughts are more important that what others think!! Everyone should just appreciate you like I do:)!!!

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      1. You deserve that and much more. I wish I could just make things better for you I know how stupid that sounds but it’s what I feel. I do think you are brave. Yes you have had no choice, yes you wouldn’t ever freakin ask for this, but bravery is about the soul, something about you seems brave that’s what I can attest to. But even if you were not brave I’d respect you because bravery isn’t the value of a person, I’m not brave I shit myself all the time, I get so scared, and yet I can be brave. I know you have anxiety and so you probably think you are a wus but you’re not at all and neither is anyone with anxiety they are just responding to the world and how it is. That’s what I admire about you, your honesty.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I kinda feel like being honest with my struggles is the only way I can continue you know? Like through being honest I’m taking control or retaining power over situations that have largely made me feel powerless so many times. Does that even make sense?

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