‘Hoping I can clear the way By stepping through my shadow, Coming out the other side. Step into the shadow. Forty-six & 2 are just ahead of me.’

I’ve been feeling like I’m at the brink of a relapse for a month or so and it only seems to be intensifying

Staring down the precipice of the mother of all flare ups

I keep telling myself to just keep going

I’m trying to look ahead

I’m starting Round 2 of Lemtrada on May 7

I just need to get to that date

Without anything major happening

But these last few days have been rough

4 day long weekend and I feel like I’ve just worked a gruelling 60 hour work week and it hasn’t even begun

I wish I could explain the type of tired that MS causes

It’s not just brain tired or the kind of tired you have when you didn’t sleep well the night before

It’s the kind of fatigue where every single part of my body from my hair to my toes is begging to be allowed to just stay in bed

Taking a bath just wipes me out

And don’t even get me started on washing my hair

Along with this crazy stupid tired feeling, every single scratch, sore or bruise on my body is taking ridiculously long periods of time to heal

This is totally a Lemtrada thing

But it kinda puts things in perspective

It reminds me of all the little cells in my body working so hard to replenish themselves while still protecting and fighting for me

Against infection

Against illness

And I’m thinking no fucking kidding I’m so damn tired

My body is using all its energy to build my Lymphocyte count up

It’s not resting

It’s not relaxing

It’s working hard

Like me, I remind myself

It doesn’t matter what other people think

It doesn’t matter that I’m struggling to work four days a week as my employer keeps reminding me

Struggling to take one more step

Struggling to keep fighting against the invisible but very real forces of MS

Struggling to stay relevant in this world I barely seem to inhabit outside of my bedroom

Struggling to just keep being me

Before MS takes that from me too

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3 thoughts on “‘Hoping I can clear the way By stepping through my shadow, Coming out the other side. Step into the shadow. Forty-six & 2 are just ahead of me.’”

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