Angela’s Ashes

Everyone has that inner voice that tells them things like ‘you can do this’ or ‘you got this’

My little voice is different

Like the devil and the angel on each shoulder

Except for me, it’s anxiety and depression taking a shoulder each

And in the middle is the voice of the reason

Which often gets drowned out by the other two

Anxious Angela says ‘you’re scared of not being in control’ and ‘bad things will happen if you weren’t in control’

So I didn’t like to drink

Because I didn’t know how to not be in control and not feel scared about it

And then panic attacks happened

And feeling so lost and out of control terrified me so much that I stopped being able to go out

Somehow someway Anxious Angela stopped being so loud

And Depressing Angela stepped up to the plate

She isn’t as loud as Anxious Angela but she’s deadlier

Because Depressing Angela doesn’t need to yell or scream

She whispers

And comes out of nowhere

Like in the middle of a laugh

Depressing Angela says things like ‘no one cares about you’ and ‘no one loves you, not really’

She uses examples too

She’s smart like that

And life stopped

That’s what it feels like anyway

Trapped in between worlds or something

In some sort of existential purgatory

Depressing Angela takes breaks sometimes

Sometimes she’s gone when I wake up

Or when I’m at work

But she always comes back

Especially when I think I’ve gotten rid of her for good

Amidst this chaos is Angela trying to be rationale

Angela says ‘you don’t have to be in control all the time’ and ‘you had panic attacks and you made it through it’

She also says ‘you know people care about you’ and ‘people show you they love you’

She gives examples

She’s smart like that too

And life goes on for a little bit

Anxious Angela under sedation

Depressing Angela on vacation

And it’s good

And then poof

Those two bitches come back

And Angela grows more and more tired

And Angela gets smaller and smaller

Until she’s gone altogether

And all that’s left are anxiety and depression scattered with Angela’s ashes

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