‘But black roses and Hail Mary’s can’t bring back what’s taken from me’

It’s with a heavy heart that I write this blog tonight

My doctor has assessed me and has determined that I’m not medically fit to work right now

So, I’m taking a leave

I’m not sure for how long

Starting now

Part of me thinks I can never return to a place that made me doubt myself so many times

Questioning my value

Questioning my worth

I don’t care what anyone says

It was personal

It still is

And I can’t pretend that doesn’t hurt

Part of me is terrified at the prospect of starting over

Again

I’ve never had to look for a job carrying the weight of an MS diagnosis on my back

I don’t know how I feel carrying that burden into a new environment

I’m scared to go from one unsupportive employer to another

Let’s be real shall we?

Who wants to hire someone who is likely to take a lot of sick days?

Even if said person is fucking stellar…

On the days they are there

From a production point of view

It just doesn’t make sense

In their terms

I will always be a liability

And not an asset

So where do I go?

Even with certification I don’t have enough letters behind my name to start up a private practice

I’ve never really learned to do anything else

But you know talk to youth

What will I do if I can’t do that?

I’m not so egocentric as to think there won’t be others who are more skilled at engaging youth than I

And I will be replaced

As if I was never even there

Maybe just a cautionary tale for new staff

I’ll just be another adult who abandoned the kids I currently work with

All that work building trust

Gone just like me

They’ll look back on their time with me with bitterness and a reminder to never let someone get too close

And I’ll carry that guilt with me

And let me tell you kid

I fucking get it

I trusted too

I placed faith in my employer

And I’ll look back on this time with bitterness and a reminder to never let anyone see your weaknesses

After all this and I can still relate to those kids so damn much

For them, I’m sorry

I don’t know what’s next

And that is probably why my heart is beating out of my chest and my stomach is warring against itself

What will I do while I’m home?

Will I get worse with nothing to occupy my needy brain?

Will I sit around in my pjs and anxiously pick at the thoughts reverberating in my brain?

It’s okay

And I think to myself over and over again,

Not every story gets a happy ending

Not even when I’m writing it

And especially not when it’s my story

And it’s okay

It’s gonna be okay…

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17 thoughts on “‘But black roses and Hail Mary’s can’t bring back what’s taken from me’”

  1. I can only imagine how painful this is for you. You recently did write about how you did not want this to happen for all the fears that you have listed above. I am ever so optimistic (annoyingly so) but this might be a veering from the path that you thought you were forever going to be on. You are more than allowed to have tears and feelings of upset/pain that you are having. From what I have read though you are a strong woman and I believe that you are going to find yourself another path to travel.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry to hear this Angela. This is my biggest fear as well for the same reasons you’ve outlined, and I don’t even miss work due to the condition (yet). Maybe this is a pie-in-the-sky point of view but I do believe things eventually work out for the best. You can always write – you are very good at it. Write some short pieces and submit them to various publications/magazines/etc. Maybe that will eventually open some doors.

    Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know things are not easy right now and you are doubting yourself so much, but use your time off to take care of yourself! You have done so much for the kids you work with, but now is the time to think about you and what you want! Try not to allow how you were treated to define you because you are so much better than that!!! Stay strong sweet girl and allow your body to heal!!!

    Like

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