Sick and tired
Running a low grade fever
Closer to treatment I get, the worse I feel
I feel like I’m nonstop fighting a flu
Tired of feeling this way
But honestly, I can’t even remember a time where I didn’t feel shitty
Where I didn’t feel sick
Or just generally unwell
Mentally or physically
Even pre MS diagnosis
Facebook reminds me of all the statuses I’ve posted over 10 plus years complaining over one sickness or another
Is it possible that I’ve never been really OK?
And I know what the optimists will say:
You gotta be positive
Things will get better
But I have no evidence to prove any of that as plausible
In fact all the evidence I’ve collected throughout my life points to the contrary
The evidence illustrates a life filled with sickness and struggle as a result
Try as hard as I might
And I cannot for the life of me
Think of a time when I felt…I don’t know even just OK
But that can’t be possible right?
No one can always have been and continue to feel like shit, right?
Is anyone’s luck that bad?
So is it my mood then?…
This is like a chicken and egg thing
And I can’t figure out what came first
Did my mental health change one day…
And then my physical body became sick?
And when did this all happen?
Because I’m looking back through the screen shots of my life and I can’t think of a time where I felt…I don’t know…good
But ‘good’ sounds so insignificant
I don’t understand it
And I don’t know how to fix something that I don’t understand
Then I worry that I’ll never understand
So where does that leave me?
At only 36 years old
And still just fucking lost