‘I’m afraid to be alone with my own mind’ -Sylvia Plath

Here goes…Everything

The compounding pharmacy has made the Paxil capsules for me

I picked them up yesterday

I will be decreasing by 4mg every two weeks

My dose was 40mg

Last night I felt really anxious

I keep thinking about how shitty I felt going on Paxil

I keep thinking about not being in control

I keep thinking about panic attacks

I’m trying to think about the benefits

Maybe I can lose the weight that Paxil helped me gain

Maybe I can stop sweating in the middle of an emergency cold alert day

And yet somehow

Those benefits just don’t stick in my brain

My brain that has been sponsored by Paxil for over 10 years

It’s not that I’m connected to Paxil

It’s not that I think Paxil has helped me

It’s solely the fear that is controlling me right now

The same fear that always controls me

That no amount of therapy or meds has ever really been able to free me from

I want to do things in life

That I do because I want to do them

And not because fear has made me choose them as safer options

And not because fear has made me avoid other things

Fear

In some ways I think this has always been my biggest challenge

Probably from a young age

Seeing my dad experience panic attacks

Seeing him not feel like he was in control

Therefore not feeling safe in someways

As I’ve gotten older

That control has gotten more important for me

And I need to hold it firmly in my hands

I need to hold it because if I don’t

The world will fall apart?

I need to hold t because if I don’t

I will fall apart?

I need to hold it because if I don’t

I won’t feel safe?

Sometimes I curse the level of self awareness I have

Sometimes it does nothing more than get me stuck in a thought

When instead I should be in motion

I know what is right for me

I know what I want to do

I just need whatever part of me that is holding onto that fear to catch the fuck up

But today

The warrior woke up first

And warriors aren’t afraid

I still don’t know what’s on the other side

But I took the leap

I’ve started the tapering

Let’s hope the scaredy cat version of me is not the one that wins

Let’s hope that this warrior side of me has grown strong enough to finally

Finally take back what is rightfully mine

My life

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13 thoughts on “‘I’m afraid to be alone with my own mind’ -Sylvia Plath”

  1. Letting go is hard. Weaning yourself from something you have been using for 10 years at 4mg a time may not be as hard as you are imagining. My counselor told me ‘if you can accept that the future is uncertain you will be okay.’ Meaning I could not plan for everything and anything because well I have no idea what is going to happen. And I have. And I was control Queen. You can so do this (Optimistic Annie strikes again) as you have the support of your spouse and family and friends. Two thumbs up. (And some days I want to smother Optimistic Annie but she really is a great gal at heart)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like what you’re counsellor told you…I think it’s a lot of anticipatory anxiety which I’m really good at! lol optimistic Annie ain’t so bad anxious Angela appreciates her support xo

      Like

  2. I wish you well. I can pretty much guarantee you will lose some weight when you get off the stuff. My wife gained a lot of weight over a very short period of timemanyyywars ago after she started taking the stuff but lost it all after she went off. She had to work at it though

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know how incredibly strong you are Angela. I have the faith in you and you will overcome anything! I agree with Steve, once you are off that stuff you will lose the weight you want! My mother gained a ton of weight while she was on it, but she has not gotten off it! Stay strong girl and know I am here for you always!!

    Liked by 1 person

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