It only looks hopeless when you can’t see an alternative

No matter how hard you try

Even trying on a different perspective for size

Still the hopelessness persists

This is what scares me

I remember during the height of my worst moments with anxiety

Thinking to myself that the rest of my life would be filled with days of panic attacks and days where I waited for the panic to attack

It would never end

That thought still haunts me

Part of the crux of my anxiety is the feeling of being trapped

Not necessarily in the physical sense of the word

But even where situations feel like I cannot control the outcome

Where I cannot extricate myself

Like a panic attack itself

Or being drunk

Or high

Apparently my depression isn’t much different

The darkest cloud hovers when I cannot see a way out of an empty thought, moment or situation

What starts as a fleeting worry morphs

And I begin to think in terms of ‘always’ and ‘forever’

It’s frightening because it feels like even the sanest part of your brain cannot conjure up a tidbit of hope to tide you over

Not even a little breadcrumb for you to follow towards hope

Life is funny that way

It gives you this stadium of life

And throws these curveballs at you

But it doesn’t provide you with the bat, the helmet or protective gear

Sometimes I scratch my head and wonder how some people win

I question the authenticity

Maybe they cheated

And everyone knows

That the games been rigged in their favour

And I’m just not in on the secret

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9 thoughts on “It only looks hopeless when you can’t see an alternative”

  1. I will be honest with you, anxiety is the biggest bitch of all! I suffer from anxiety and have to find ways to cope. In the past I was able to take Xanax which helped a lot, but my pain doctor forced me to stop. There are so many stupid laws that are made to control our lives. Life has become full of pain and anxiety, but what do we do?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries sweetie, I do understand. We actually do not have a community centre where we live. We have a townhouse that we are going to be selling soon. Gyms do get very pricey!!

        Like

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