‘Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.’ -Buddha

The thing with chronic illness is that it takes away your sense of hope

See, despite what ‘people’ tell you

There is a very real possibility that it won’t get better

In fact, with a disease like MS, there is the distinct possibility that it can always get worse

Much worse

So, somehow you’re ‘supposed’ to remind yourself on those bad days

That it might be bad now

But it could always be worse

As if that notion is the balm to ease this ache

Sometimes, I grit my teeth and force myself to smile and nod along

Play the gracious and zen like ‘sick person’

Yes yes I’m nauseous pretty much 24/7, my body feels like an 80 year olds and my eyes hurt

But sure to ease anyone’s unease with my illness

I can put on a little dance

And play the part

For like a minute

Or two

Then the act starts to crumble

And like Cinderella fleeing the ball before her carriage turns into a pumpkin

I crawl back into bed and think to myself

That’s not who I am

I can’t make myself be someone else

No matter how hard you might want me to

No matter how hard I might want to

I’ve been there and done that

In the end

I’m always still just me

But I think I’d rather be that uninspiring sick person

Than this caricature of me that makes the rest of the world more comfortable

After all, those caricatures always get tossed out in the end

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6 thoughts on “‘Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.’ -Buddha”

  1. Your writing is so incredibly powerful Angela! I swear I can feel every word and this post was truly sensational! I really do know exactly what you mean! Life with MS is not the most exciting, but somehow we survive each day and are normally ready for the next!

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  2. Beautifully written. I agree that the facade is hard to hold up to appease others if you’re not feeling it. I guess I’m not exactly a positive person to begin with (something I’ve probably struggled with for some time) and I think it’s more inspiring and ‘real’ to actually say that things are pretty shit, that it’s not easy being hopeful and positive all the time. It’s just keeping up appearances. I still try to kindle a little hope, a little trust that there will be brighter days ahead (even if they are few and far between!) so I hope you can too. We can only be ourselves and feel the way we do, and if that’s not in line with what society wants us to be (warriors of positivity skydiving and travelling the world saying how we’re living to the fullest despite illness while wearing superwoman pants) than so be it. There’s more strength in honesty, anyway.
    Caz x

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    1. Likewise I’m not a positive person to begin with either…and I’m torn between wanting to be honest in my struggles without wanting it to become nothing more than a journal of complaints…

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