‘Nothing gold can stay’ -Robert Frost

You know that saying

The one that goes something about longing for a place you’ve never even been before?

Sometimes it’s not as romantic of a notion as that

Sometimes it’s a literal place you’ve been to

For me it was a house we lived in

A house we recently sold

To move into more affordable (read: for my situation) living arrangements

It wasn’t just concrete and wood

It was a home in a very real way for me

As an eternal ‘outsider

It can be tricky to find a place where you feel comfortable

Let alone a place where you instantly feel at ease

Most places seem unwelcoming or overwhelming

But not that house

I remember walking in

And seeing the grey walls and dark floors

And laughing to myself that it was like it had been renovated with me in mind

Finding a big bay window in the master bedroom was icing on the cake

I’d sit so often in my bed and look out that bay window and see the centuries old trees that lined the street

Finding comfort in all the beauty that had been there long before me

And would surely be there long after me

It wasn’t just the house

The street made me smile when I drove towards it

Smelling the amazing food of my Portuguese neighbours

Joking how even in the dead of winter they’d be out grilling up some food on a charcoal bbq

We would sit on our stone patio in our wicker chairs

Listening to the sounds of the neighbourhood

Music and cars and laughter

I can’t tell if any of it is even real anymore

Did I make it all up?

Maybe it never really existed

It should make me feel better

Less sad

Less nostalgic

It should make me hopeful that if a place like that could ever have existed

Maybe I can find it again

But I don’t feel that way

I feel sad and bitter and filled with regret

I feel certain in this moment

That my soul is so heavy with the weight of regret

That I’ll never be able to find the beauty of feeling home again

So on we go

My troubled soul and me

Perpetually lost

Always an outsider

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7 thoughts on “‘Nothing gold can stay’ -Robert Frost”

  1. What a beautiful, heartbreaking post. I have a house in my past that stirs up similar feelings, I understand the nostalgia. I also get the feeling of always being an outsider, I’ve felt that way most of my life and even more so since I had to stop working. That’s why I like to read and write fiction – the perfect escape. I hope you’re having a better day today. 💕

    Like

  2. Angela this was such an amazing and emotional post! Your passion shined through in every word and your feelings are felt within your readers as well! I really do not blame you for missing this place, it is so beautiful and has so much real character built in!

    Like

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