Disclaimer:

I write because it feels good. I write because I have stuff to say. I write because I like seeing my words laid out in front of me. I write with myself in mind as the audience. I don’t write for compliments or pity. I don’t write to see how many likes or follows I get. I write the way some people need a cigarette to relieve the tension. It needs to come out. And it will. One way or another. This just happens to be the more positive way for it to do so.

I’m in a mood

The kind where I’m starting to doubt whether or not the treatment was even worth any of it

I’m approximately 2 months and a week post Round 2 of Lemtrada

I’m really tired

I don’t think I’ve made it past 10pm more than a few times

I’m nauseous more often than not

My eyes hurt

Back and leg pain

The laundry list could go on

I’m tired of feeling shitty

I’m tired of complaining

I’m frustrated

I’m irritated

And I’m sad

The me in my head

Isn’t this person

She’s out there living life

Not holed up in her condo

Hiding from the oppressive heat

Writing and feeling sorry for herself

That makes me so angry and disgusted with myself

Like I don’t even know this person anymore

I want to shed this old skin

This body

This mind

It clearly has been dysfunctional from the very beginning

Hell even upon being born

I couldn’t go home with my mom

I had to wait in an incubator

As if to prepare me for the outside world

That too

Clearly didn’t work

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7 thoughts on “Disclaimer:”

  1. You’re the last person who writes for attention or glory, I know that about you. I think it benefits us when people appreciate our work and that is different. I appreciate you. I appreciate your candor most of all.

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    1. I agree. My worry sometimes is that people will misinterpret my words and think giving me pity is what I am looking for and then other days I don’t care at all how my words might be received. You’re awesome…yknow that right? Thank you for being you!

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      1. People will misinterpret your words I guarantee it, it happens all the time, it’s the worst thing about people not reading enough and reading too superficially and fast. They will often get totally the wrong end of the stick and also there are the assumptions people make about MS about chronic illness about women etc etc BUT despite this your truth will be heard by those ready to listen and hear it. And you will know it because you know yourself and that’s more than most do. If someone gives you pity it may come from a good place or an ill informed or a stupid place but for every error you’ll find there is someone who totally gets what you are trying to say in the vein you are trying to say it and that is worth everything. I think sympatico with people is increasingly rare as we get older but still possible – look and you and me for example. If I’m awesome then right back atcha girl – thank you for being one of the good ones and I value your friendship

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      2. I love that. That for every wrong interpretation there might be someone who actually gets it. That’s enough for me. Since we’re both awesome we should become bffs 😬

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      3. Right? I mean it’s so true isn’t it? That we may not like something but someone else sees something in it that they feel and influences them. I reckon it’s the hardest thing about being an artist really. I hope you always write as it’s in your DNA girl. WE are both awesome keep remembering that even when it gets really hard, your (purple) light will shine. xo

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      4. It’s like music and lyrics. I think about some of my favourite songs and I don’t always know what influenced them to write it or perform it in such a way. I only know how I respond to it. That’s great art though, isn’t it? Art that makes you feel something, think something.

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  2. Your writing helps you get those feelings out and you also help others. You are a pretty amazing person Angela and I am SO thankful that I have you as a friend. I am glad you share how you are feeling as brilliantly as you do, but I do hate when you are in pain or suffering in any way. I hope you have a pleasant evening sweetie!

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