‘Condemn me, it does not matter. History will absolve me.’ Fidel Castro

Some days I’m so consumed with jealousy of every single person who is healthy

I think about all the ways their lives are easier

Not that they don’t have struggles

As we all do

But most people’s difficulties aren’t compounded by an incurable illness

Some days I just can’t wrap my head around even having MS

5 years later and it still feels surreal

Like this just can’t possibly be my life

Some days I feel lucky to have made it this far in life

Having found a life partner and having had a career that I loved

Today, however, is not one of those days

Today is the sort of day where I feel bitter and hardened by what life has had to offer

Today is a day where I feel every single ache and pain and can’t find relief in pill, word or song

Today I can’t find a connection to a single soul out there in the universe, no matter how hard I try

So I look forward to the night

The night when I can sigh with relief that this day has finally ended

The night when I can finally lie down in bed

Surrounded by comfort and pillows and close my eyes

Not knowing what type of day tomorrow will bring

Stuck feeling somewhere between being a hopeful masochist or an optimistic dreamer

Unsure which one I want to be

Wondering which is worse

Still not knowing which will ruin me in the end

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3 thoughts on “‘Condemn me, it does not matter. History will absolve me.’ Fidel Castro”

  1. Oh sweetie I understand how you are feeling! I often do feel so incredibly jealous of all the people I am around that do not have to battle with this evil incurable illness. Most days I feel that no one really understands what I battle with every damn day and that is FRUSTRATING to no end! My husband, who I do love dearly, suffers from depression and thinks all the “pain” he feels is more than I deal with. You have no idea how angry this makes me, but I try my damnest to be understanding and helpful to him. But then I think, what about me? I am pushing myself SO hard everyday to work my 6 hours, which today I did 6,5 hours and it HURTS!!! I know how you feel Angela, trying to find connections with others is hard, but at least we have this wonderful blogging community where people do understand. I want to remind you that I am here for you. I am only a quick email away always and I will always do anything and everything I can for you! Maybe someday I will move to Canada finally and we can be neighbors!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s too bad you don’t have access to support groups. I have found that the most helpful in finding people who actually understand. Okay but you’re gonna have to learn to spell it ‘neighbour’ if you’re gonna live here. 😬

      Liked by 1 person

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