Sitting by the water
He takes out his notebook and a pen
He starts addressing the letter
‘Dear Mom and Dad’
He stops
Sits
Staring out at the sea
Reminded of all the times he had sat in this very spot before
Always looking
But never really seeing
Always searching
Never finding
Today is different
Today he is thinking of his parents
Thinking of what to write in a letter that will only be received after he’s gone
Thinking of what, if anything, will bring comfort to his parents
He doesn’t want to think about the sadness they might feel
He prefers to think of their future and how happy he thinks they’ll be without worrying about him all the time
Should he write that, he ponders
No
That sounds like he’s doing this because of them
And he’s not
He’s never done anything so much for himself before
He starts again
‘Dear Mom and Dad,
I love you both
I’m sorry for any grief this might cause you
But I’m doing this for me
I can’t stand it anymore
I hope one day you can understand that.’
He stops again
He rereads his words
He cringes
The words sound so hollow
It all seems so pitiful
That’s not what he wants to convey
This isn’t a sad ending
He needed this, he thinks
Surely they have seen that
Maybe there’s no way to write that out
Maybe there’s only a way to feel it
If only he could bottle up an emotion and attach it to his letter
He feels frustrated
Fuck this isn’t what he wanted today to be about
This day was supposed to be a happy day
He shouldn’t have waited until today to write this
This is good really
The end of a miserable life
He tears up the letter
He tries again
‘Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m doing this for me. A new beginning.
Love,
Your son’
He reads it over several times
It’s as good as its gonna get
He doesn’t have a lot of time left
He goes back to his lonely apartment
Filled with stuff he has no use for anymore
He wonders if he ever really enjoyed any of it
He doesn’t care if thieves get to it
He finds an envelope and puts his parents names on it
He had made plans with his parents for tomorrow
They are going to pass by
They’ll knock until they realize the door is unlocked
They’ll wander in
Walk around
Call his name
They’ll see all of his things scattered around
Remnants of a life he never really excelled at
Leftover pieces of a life that he could never really call his own
Things he won’t need anymore
The letter will be on the table
They can’t miss it
He wonders if they will figure it out before reading the letter
He hopes in someway they saw this coming
They had to
It’s been a long time coming
He doesn’t really care to say his goodbyes to anyone else
He just wants to be gone
Finally
He goes into his bedroom
There is a small bag in his closet
That he bought especially for this momentous occasion
He feels positively electric
His hands are shaking
He unzips it
Peeks inside
Making sure everything he needs is still there
Even though he has checked and rechecked a million times
He hasn’t slept in a few days
Too full of anticipation for this day
He takes a seat on his bed
Thinking about this last year
He’s exhausted and giddy at the same time
Giddy…he thinks
That’s the only time he’s ever used that word to apply to himself
He is so ready to take this leap
He gets up
Grabs his bag
Walks to the front door
He won’t need his keys where he’s going
He turns back
One last look
He feels nothing but relief
He shuts off the lights
Closing the door behind him
He’s ready
He takes a big breath
This isn’t an ending
He exhales
It’s his new beginning
One foot in front of the other
Not longer just about walking away from an expired life
But towards a new one
Just waiting to be found
‘It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.’
