‘Deep in the heart of my soul, I’ll feel so glad to go.’ The Smiths

Disclaimer: I write this blog as a form of release. It’s cathartic. Please don’t tell me my feelings are wrong. This isn’t the place for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What if this is as good as it gets

I keep replaying that in my mind

My heart doesn’t want it to be true

It lies to me

It tells me that it’s gotta get better than this

It weaves stories of a made up future that doesn’t include pain and sadness

And most certainly doesn’t include a disease as fucked up as Multiple Sclerosis

It knows just what to lure me with

It doesn’t bother with lies about riches and fame and fortune

My heart shows me a future that is serene

Days filled with thoughts that don’t make you feel like you’re going crazy

Nights slept through instead of worrying obsessively about what will happen next

It shows me a calm that I have never known in this world

It shows me a future that I instinctually know will never be mine

My mind is always there to remind me of what I already know

The heart doesn’t listen

Like they say

The heart wants what it wants

And so that traitor continues to beat

Thump thump thump

Sometimes the pounding is so loud and it reverberates through my entire body

Callously letting me know

That it’s still there

My mind always racing

To catch up to the beats of my heart

Ensuring it’s repetitive voice isn’t lost

So I continue

Another day filled with my heart and mind at war

Another day spent fighting and trying to drown out the noise

That nobody but me can ever hear

Still I wonder if it’s easier

To fight battles that exist outside the walls of your own skin and bones

So now I imagine a future

Without the lies of harmony and calm

With an enemy on the outside

My heart and mind finally calling a truce

And letting me Rest In Peace

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