‘It’s Not What You Look At That Matters, It’s What You See.’ Henry David Thoreau

Sitting by the water

He takes out his notebook and a pen

He starts addressing the letter

‘Dear Mom and Dad’

He stops

Sits

Staring out at the sea

Reminded of all the times he had sat in this very spot before

Always looking

But never really seeing

Always searching

Never finding

Today is different

Today he is thinking of his parents

Thinking of what to write in a letter that will only be received after he’s gone

Thinking of what, if anything, will bring comfort to his parents

He doesn’t want to think about the sadness they might feel

He prefers to think of their future and how happy he thinks they’ll be without worrying about him all the time

Should he write that, he ponders

No

That sounds like he’s doing this because of them

And he’s not

He’s never done anything so much for himself before

He starts again

‘Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you both

I’m sorry for any grief this might cause you

But I’m doing this for me

I can’t stand it anymore

I hope one day you can understand that.’

He stops again

He rereads his words

He cringes

The words sound so hollow

It all seems so pitiful

That’s not what he wants to convey

This isn’t a sad ending

He needed this, he thinks

Surely they have seen that

Maybe there’s no way to write that out

Maybe there’s only a way to feel it

If only he could bottle up an emotion and attach it to his letter

He feels frustrated

Fuck this isn’t what he wanted today to be about

This day was supposed to be a happy day

He shouldn’t have waited until today to write this

This is good really

The end of a miserable life

He tears up the letter

He tries again

‘Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m doing this for me. A new beginning.

Love,

Your son’

He reads it over several times

It’s as good as its gonna get

He doesn’t have a lot of time left

He goes back to his lonely apartment

Filled with stuff he has no use for anymore

He wonders if he ever really enjoyed any of it

He doesn’t care if thieves get to it

He finds an envelope and puts his parents names on it

He had made plans with his parents for tomorrow

They are going to pass by

They’ll knock until they realize the door is unlocked

They’ll wander in

Walk around

Call his name

They’ll see all of his things scattered around

Remnants of a life he never really excelled at

Leftover pieces of a life that he could never really call his own

Things he won’t need anymore

The letter will be on the table

They can’t miss it

He wonders if they will figure it out before reading the letter

He hopes in someway they saw this coming

They had to

It’s been a long time coming

He doesn’t really care to say his goodbyes to anyone else

He just wants to be gone

Finally

He goes into his bedroom

There is a small bag in his closet

That he bought especially for this momentous occasion

He feels positively electric

His hands are shaking

He unzips it

Peeks inside

Making sure everything he needs is still there

Even though he has checked and rechecked a million times

He hasn’t slept in a few days

Too full of anticipation for this day

He takes a seat on his bed

Thinking about this last year

He’s exhausted and giddy at the same time

Giddy…he thinks

That’s the only time he’s ever used that word to apply to himself

He is so ready to take this leap

He gets up

Grabs his bag

Walks to the front door

He won’t need his keys where he’s going

He turns back

One last look

He feels nothing but relief

He shuts off the lights

Closing the door behind him

He’s ready

He takes a big breath

This isn’t an ending

He exhales

It’s his new beginning

One foot in front of the other

Not longer just about walking away from an expired life

But towards a new one

Just waiting to be found

‘It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.’

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17 thoughts on “‘It’s Not What You Look At That Matters, It’s What You See.’ Henry David Thoreau”

      1. I think it is always sad when people’s lives are so……is unhappy the right word? I guess it’s sad to think that a life is so burdensome that ending it seems wonderful by comparison. It also leaves so many questions for those left behind.

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  1. WOW Angela! This was so full of emotion and an incredible amount of sadness. The way you wrote this story was unbelievable and you ended it in a way no one probably expected. I always love reading what you write and enjoy when you do something different. Your abilities show so much about you and I LOVE it! Great job!

    Liked by 1 person

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