What I wish you knew

Once upon a time I saw a medium

Who told me that someone very close to me has been living their entire life with one foot in the grave

I thought to myself then as I still do now

That it was the most perfect way to describe this person

As a loved one of this person

It’s frustrating and maddening that they can’t shake it off

And see the love around them

Now as a person who can relate all too well

It’s frustrating for a different reason

The people around don’t understand

They don’t understand why that one foot stays firmly planted in the grave

They don’t see how hard it is to keep the other foot out of that fucking grave

They don’t get the difficulty making it through one day is, one function, one more appointment

I wish they knew…

It’s like constantly treading water to keep my head above it

My limbs feel exhausted

My brain keeps wondering when it’s an acceptable time to admit defeat and give up

My heart feels hollow

There’s a bone weary tiredness that permeates throughout every cell in my body and into my brain

I can go to sleep sometimes and sleep for hours

Wake up and feel like it’s never enough

Or I can lie in bed staring at the ceiling

Thinking that if I wished hard enough

I could make this all go away

I’m 36 years old

I can’t even remember a time before this

That’s fucked up

I mean

Surely I know there was one

I just can’t for the life of me picture myself in it

The present is like living in a post apocalyptic world

Where everything is bleak, tarnished and there is no hope

I can say for certain

This is not an enjoyable place to be

Living this way is not only exhausting

It’s also like having a flu you can’t shake off

No matter how many medications you’ve tried and doctors you’ve seen

Yet, even with the desire to feel better

The flu rages on

When you can’t remember a before

And you can’t see a future

The world becomes very narrow

It becomes the perfect setting for a dystopian society in a novel

Of which, one may want to read about

But no one wants to actually live in

It feels like I’ve become the main character in this novel

Searching for a way out

Up against opponents like doctors, employers, insurers

Trying to find allies

Unsure of who you can really trust

Like every good story

There’s a time constraint

I start to fear that I’m running out of time

I’ve read so many books where someone who needs help

Gets saved by a hero

In some form

I know that my story is different

There is no one coming to save the day

It’s just me

Still trying to find some way to fully live in this world

With both my feet firmly planted on the ground beneath me

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6 thoughts on “What I wish you knew”

  1. You my dear are ahead of the game because you are at least trying, when some people just give up! Sometimes trying is a battle, but it will pay off and you will find your way in this world! I do believe YOU are WAY stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. Sending you LOTS of LOVE and POSITIVE VIBES!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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