The Odds

I find myself thinking in terms of:

When I get better

For example

When I get better, I’ll change my Paxil

Or

When I get better, I won’t feel so down

Or

When I get better, I’ll finish my degree

The list goes on and on

Sometimes it’s things exciting like travel

More often than not

It’s simple things

Like

When I get better, I’ll go for walks with Joey and my dogs

Ultimately

It always ends with me waiting for a time when I’ll feel better

Always waiting for a time that may never come

Then I think to myself

What if this is as good as it gets?

I mean

Really

And what if it is?

Does that mean I throw in the towel?

Give up

Admit defeat

And then what?

So I started thinking tonight…

And bear with me

This is wild

….

What if I just stop waiting?

…..

Dun dun dun

What if I stop waiting for a future that might never come?

What if I just start living like this is as good as its ever gonna get?

There is something so incredibly freeing about that

It’s difficult when the people around you encourage you to think of how much better things can get

As well intentioned as it is

It just doesn’t help

I’m so fucking sick and tired of waiting

I’m so tired of hoping

Fuck waiting and hoping and wishing

Maybe it’s time that I just start living

For today

I mean…Yeah maybe things will get better

But I just don’t want to waste my time waiting for something that is only possible (What is possible )

I like the odds of probable (What is probable)

It is probable (because there is evidence to support it) that tomorrow I will wake up

And feel as shitty as I do right now

But instead of going back to bed and waiting for a better day

I’ll just keep going

I’ll step out into the world and I’ll still feel shitty

But at least I will have fucking done something

And maybe for this to stick

I’ll have to keep reminding myself every day

That my life deserves a fighting chance

Doesn’t it?

That in order to really live

I need to remove both feet from inside of the grave

Any other way

And it’s just not probable

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21 thoughts on “The Odds”

      1. Ah I’m not brave sweet girl not at all but thank you xo I think what you said a while ago about how people say we are brave but really what choice do we have? That is about right. I try to survive, I don’t do a great job of it. But I try. I think you underestimate your strength but I wouldn’t expect you to be brave 24/7 that would be exhausting and inhuman! We’re entitled to say ‘fuck it enough already!’ right? I’m glad to ‘know’ you here girl.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. As I do. And I’m not one of those who says superficial ‘ooos’ to people so I mean that when I say it. I used to live in Canada I think I told you right? I miss the healthcare. I miss the fresh air. I thought it would be more gay friendly and it was in some ways but not in others. Anyway maybe we’ll live closer one day and be able to visit, I was thinking of moving to Oregon when I can afford to that’s not a million miles away.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. “That my life deserves a fighting chance” – Most certainly!
    I think you’re right, there’s definitely something freeing about accepting how things are and working with what you’ve got, without living in constant hope with life on pause waiting for things to get better. Acceptance is so hard, but I’m trying to balance it with hope for better days while living in the present, with how things are, working with what I’ve got. It’s not easy, but certainly better than life on pause. I get that about those around you too, I think I’ve noticed that a lot with my parents. It’s well-intentioned because these people want things to be better for you/us but it doesn’t help sadly. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think a lot of what we hear from people doesn’t help us at all but makes them feel better. And I don’t think it’s a mean spirited thing, but sadly it’s one sided. I feel like hope can be used as a crutch sometimes

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Angela, I totally understand how you are feeling. Yes, we always seem to be waiting and hoping for a change that honestly may never come. I have been waiting 18 years for something to change, but it hasn’t changed. So, now I am looking at life and all situations that come my way like this is what it is and there isn’t anything I can do but embrace life for what it is. Considering I have been a walking/talking stress case for almost 37 years and always waiting for my life to get better, I am making the choice to just live life for how it is without hoping for a difference. I say all of this now, but we will see if I actually practice what I preach. I feel like all we really have is ONE chance to LIVE our life, so why waste any of this short time “waiting” and/or “hoping”? Absolutely amazing, beautiful and powerful post Angela!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you SO much Angela! I use to always wish things were different, which let many things just pass me by! Living in the moment with what we have, whether it is bad or good, is all we can do! Lots of Love Sweetie!

        Liked by 1 person

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