‘I Regret Those Times When I’ve Chosen The Dark Side.’ -Jessica Lange

I always thought I was a ‘no regrets’ kind of person

Did the things I wanted to

Things I loved

With minimal regrets

I told myself that’s why I got tattoos

Why sometimes I could be impulsive

It now seems so childish to think you could live an entire life without regrets

It’s an impossibility

Sure maybe you took that trip you wanted

Or you told that person you loved them

But we each carry some type of regret over something we wish we could have done

Or just done differently

Sometimes it doesn’t take ones deathbed to look back over your life

Sometimes all it takes is a really restless sleepless night

And suddenly regrets pop up faster than you can search for the sleeping pills

So you’re stuck

Staring into space and reviewing 37 years of a life you’d thought you had lived regret-free

I wish I could wax poetic like Sinatra did

About admitting to having had regrets and yet having had too few to even mention

But it’s nearing 4 am and I fear I won’t be able to get some rest until I lay them out there

So here are some (in no particular order)

Regrets:

◦ Not getting my degree when I was younger

◦ Wasting time with forgettable people

◦ Not spending enough time with memorable people

◦ Not reading a book in every spare minute I had

◦ Giving up my job (this one haunts me)

◦ Selling a home that I felt instantly connected to

◦ Not telling off a former boss (or two)

◦ Some coworkers too

◦ Not speaking my mind when I knew I should have

◦ Declining certain invitations from the aforementioned memorable people

◦ Allowing some people to make me feel less than

◦ Every time I felt embarrassed for not knowing something

◦ Not showing or telling some people how much I care(d)

◦ All the time I spent wishing instead of doing

◦ Not relishing the enjoyment of watching a movie or tv show

◦ Not relishing the enjoyment of reading a book

◦ Not relishing every single peaceful moment

There are more

Of course

I’m sure I’ll add new ones to this list as well

Although I’d much rather say from this moment on, there would be none

But that would be a lie

And I’m too tired to pretend with myself

——-

I did fall asleep about two hours after writing this but it didn’t give me the relief I was craving

Instead I laid in bed crying about my job

Feeling sorry for myself

Feeling sorry for Joey

Feeling sorry that there are kids out there that I just know I can help

But that I won’t be able to

And that last one

Just fucking guts me

My tears now feel hot and painful as they roll down my face

My chest and stomach hurt

And I’m overcome with feelings of guilt, sorrow and that same fucking regrets

So it seems that exorcising your regrets isn’t the same as having none in the first place

Who knew? 😒

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7 thoughts on “‘I Regret Those Times When I’ve Chosen The Dark Side.’ -Jessica Lange”

  1. I don’t think you gave up on the job. The job gave up on you. It wasn’t your doing, and from the way you described what was going on, you didn’t have a lot of choice. The stress would only make your symptoms worse than they already are.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “Sometimes all it takes is a really restless sleepless night, And suddenly regrets pop up faster than you can search for the sleeping pills”. For some reason, I find Christmas and NY kick me in the metaphorical nuts when it comes to regrets. So many of them, too painful and too shitty and too frustrating to deal with but they’re always there and it’s hard to know what to do with them all. I think the vast majority will have regrets of some kind, whether those are things done or things not done/said, but it’s hard when the list keeps growing or we keep ruminating over them. I don’t have any answers here, just wanted to let you know this post resonated with me and I hope you can put them to rest for a while.xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think you have given up, I think you have tried your very best in life. I believe you are much stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. I agree with Joey, you are your own worse critic, which I can relate to because I am the same way. I know it is hard, but try to not be so damn hard on yourself and take care of YOU!!!

    Like

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