Today sucked
Hard
I arranged to have one of the Bayshore nurses come to my parents house to do my monthly bloodwork
Since I skipped last month
I was nervous before the day started
But I went with it
The nurse got here
I did the same old pee in the plastic cup song and dance
And then sat in a recliner to get it over with
I told her I usually have it taken from my hand
And that I have anxiety related to it
She was kind and all that
I didn’t have my rubber ball to pump to get the vein ready and blood flowing
But I tried other methods
She got the vein on the first try
I breathed a sigh of a relief
After the initial painful puncture
And then…
No blood
No blood came out
She tried a few times to get it flowing
Nada
She tried a different vein on the same hand
I pumped my hand manically
She got the vein
And still
No blood
I asked her to try my other hand
I was pretty shaky, sweaty and anxious at this point
She inserted the needle
And
No fucking blood
She said
I literally have the needle in your vein and nothing is coming out
We gave up
She recommended I try to go to my regular lab and see my usual homegirl
But of course
Because of my panic and near agoraphobia
I had been trying to avoid that
She left
With her empty vials
Apologies
Used needles
And unfulfilled lab requisition
I was left with my urine sample sitting on my mother’s coffee table in her living room
There wasn’t any point in sending it in without the blood
Three track marks and I’m sure ugly bruises to follow
I pulled my knees up and just started sobbing
I broke my no-crying-for-three-days record
Feeling sorry for myself
Everything is always so damn hard
Nothing seems to come easy
And yet
After all of that
I didn’t have a panic attack
Even pre crisis
A day like today would have likely made me have a panic attack
But today
Through the punctures, the pain, the discomfort, the crumbled hope and the anxiety
I didn’t have a panic attack
That’s my silver lining on this shit-tastic day
That is the weirdest thing. I have had situations where they had to stick me several times (4 on one arm is the record) before they got a vein but never not had any blood come out when the did get one.
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It was totally bizarre! And so frustrating
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You do have to eek out the silver linings, and not having a panic attack seems like a good place to start. It’s also good she actually managed to find a vein, at least that’s one good sign. Maybe they’ve already vampired the fuck out of your body that there’s no blood left. They have to use baby butterfly needles on me and typically jab around countless times before they get anything. It’s frustrating. And obviously it’s worse when you wanted it over and done with where you’re comfortable, rather than having to go to where you are hoping to avoid. But you can do it, not right now, but when you feel you may be more ready.xxxx
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‘Vampired the fuck out of your body’ has to be my favourite quote of all time!!!!
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