A little more bent, still not broken

I’ve come a long way from those scary nights when I was too consumed with my own troubling thoughts to sleep

And those seemingly endless days where it felt like I was experiencing unrelenting panic attacks

2019 didn’t start off the way I had hoped

But in the last two months, I’ve been unapologetically selfish

I’ve focused on little else but getting myself healthy

My medication seems to be evening itself out

I’ve reduced my Ativan intake by half

I’ve started seeing a psychologist and am going to an info session held at a local hospital for an upcoming 12 week program for people to learn to cope with anxiety and depression

I’m living part-time with my parents and going home almost every day during the week to let out the dogs and practice my ‘exposures’

(‘…exposure therapy is a process for reducing fear and anxiety responses…a person is gradually exposed to a feared situation, learning to become less sensitive over time.’)

My fear is the dreaded feeling of having another panic attack

So that means I need to put myself in situations where I particularly anxious

For example, being alone or going to stores or other places by myself

It’s still very hard for me to understand why things turned out the way they did

I did everything you’re supposed to do

I reached out to my psychiatrist and family doctor about my intense apprehension over withdrawing from Paxil

I asked about inpatient facilities

During the crisis period, I went to hospitals, crisis centres and my own psychiatrist

I’m upset over the way things were handled

From my concerns not being taken seriously to the lack of care from the hospitals and most of all

That I feel like I did this to myself

And it was all for nothing

You know, I was speaking to my mom about going through tough times

She said it would be better if you knew there was a lesson of some sort you could take away from all of this

But I can’t for the life of me, find any valid takeaway from this experience, that I didn’t already know

Instead, I’m left feeling dissatisfied with the current mental healthcare system and most of all…

I feel defeated

Once again

By something that had and continues to have way too much impact on my life

And I’m tired of it

Tired of it’s overwhelming presence throughout my entire life

Sick of the powerful it yields so easily over me

Frustrated that the only way to move forward is to accept it and learn how to ride the wave of panic

So here I am

Sick and tired

Frustrated

But still riding the panic wave…

And trying to just live

4 thoughts on “A little more bent, still not broken”

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