‘Putting up with means withdrawing from panic in panic; adding panic to panic, hoping that panic will go away quickly and not come back; it means avoiding people and places that bring on panic so that one’s horizon becomes narrower and narrower unit it is finally bounded by the front gate…It means continued illness.’ Dr. Claire Weekes

I’m feeling frustrated today

I consider myself a pretty smart person

Also someone who is more self aware than the average person

I’m well versed in all things anxiety and panic related

I feel like I graduated with a masters in this shit

I can recite all the therapy talk

More so

I actually believe in what I’m saying

I am perfectly aware that nothing worse than the panic attack itself, will happen to me

And yet

Every morning I wake up, heart pounding, mind racing

In fear of the next panic attack

Those same panic attacks I’ve been having for over two decades

Those same panic attacks in which what I’m most afraid of, does not come true

In fact

It never comes true

So what the fuck is the problem?

I think my own fear is greater than my knowledge

So I give in

Day after day

Even with the meds I obediently take

I watch life pass me by

Feeling less and less like it’s even my life that I’m missing out on

That’s how far out of reach things like dinner out or going to my sisters house seem

I can’t seem to stop from being hard on myself

I feel like yelling at myself:

AFTER ALL OF THIS, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU STILL NOT GET?!

HOW MUCH MORE TIME WILL YOU WASTE BEFORE YOU FINALLY MOVE ON?!’

I’m sitting here shaking my head

Because, after everything

And I still don’t have the answers to any of that

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6 thoughts on “‘Putting up with means withdrawing from panic in panic; adding panic to panic, hoping that panic will go away quickly and not come back; it means avoiding people and places that bring on panic so that one’s horizon becomes narrower and narrower unit it is finally bounded by the front gate…It means continued illness.’ Dr. Claire Weekes”

  1. I think the fear and worry of the future, of when something’s going to go wrong again or when the next panic attack will be, can be awful because it’s like painfully putting part of your life on hold and holding your breath. You are incredibly self-reflective but, like me, perhaps that self-reflecting and constant thinking also gets exhausting. I’m also a hypocrite because I can’t take my own advice. We know what we ‘should’ do, it’s just a struggle to do it, especially when that advice is to be kinder to ourselves. xx

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  2. I m telling you
    You will get back on track soon enough 😊

    Joey Paterno
    ________________________________

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  3. Angela, first I am SO sorry for my late response! Life has been no short that hell lately, so often I feel like I am drowning. I understand completely how you feel and I don’t want to offer great advice, when I never take my own advice. Anxiety and panic is terribly hard to deal with much less escape, but for our own health we must try. The only things that keep me relatively calm is writing and crocheting! I think if I didn’t have something to focus on, especially when I am deal with something insanely difficult I would be in a straight jacket somewhere unable to break out. I want you to know, anytime at all you need to vent without any ridicule, I am ALWAYS here for you! Sending you virtual hugs and loves of love!

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      1. Life has definitely been trying, but I guess what doesn’t kill you makes us stronger or at least that’s what I am told! I am sure things will turn around and hopefully get easier! I always appreciate the kind and very real words you write! You are pretty incredible and I am thankful for you! How are you doing? Is life treating you well! xx

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