‘The woods are lovely, dark and deep…’

I don’t know if humans are really equipped to face their own mortality

It’s just such a foreign concept

It’s the opposite of what we know

We breathe without thinking

It’s automatic

To think of our own deaths

Seems just wrong

With MS I don’t really have to think about it

It’s a lot of things

But it’s not fatal

When I was diagnosed with ITP (rare blood disorder) this past summer

It seemed surreal

I could die if I got cut

If I fell

The slightest thing would mean I could bleed to death

I remember when I was still unsure what was going on

Feeling certain that I was gonna die

It was scary and unknown

Clearly

I survived

But every time I find a bruise…

Every time I get my bloodwork done

I’m faced with that same thought

Have my platelets have dropped dangerously low?

It’s sort of become a scary new reality

And not entirely unknown

However this whole COVID-19 is different

I knew I was at a heightened risk

I’m immuno compromised

I have two autoimmune diseases and a rare blood disorder

Plus the treatment I underwent for my MS weakened my immune system

Seems like the odds are stacked against me

So I’ve been practicing self isolation since March 15

I won’t lie

I’ve been scared

I keep hearing about the people dying have preexisting heath conditions

As if that makes it more palatable

Like it makes it ok

I got an email from my super amazing hematologist

She reaffirmed what I already sorta knew

I’m at an increased risk for infection

Because of the MS related treatment and ITP

Now I’m scared all over again

I’m doing the best I can

Not leaving home

Taking care of myself and my sanity

But I can’t help but feel afraid

What if this time I don’t escape death?

What if this time it catches up to me?

What if

What if

What if

I know I can’t live my life based on what ifs

But I can’t pretend they don’t exist either

So I’m caught in this weird limbo

Between focusing on what’s happening right now

This tv show

This art piece

This blog

And

The world of what ifs

What if I catch this virus?

What if death catches me?

I’m not ready to face death

I’m not ready to face the mere thought of death

‘I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.’

‘…how blue the sky appears…blue enough to bruise a heart.’ Sanober Khan

Every time I scan my body for a bruise or petechiae

For the rest of my life

I’ll revert back to this past summer

And the disdain

I felt for my body

For betraying me

Yet again

I thought we’d come to an agreement after I lost my fucking mind in January 2019

I thought we were cool

Ready to coexist

Always together

Anxiety

Panic

Depression

MS

All of it

We were going to get through it all

But those damn blood bruises

A warning sign that my body wasn’t holding up its end of the bargain

Now even though I’m in some sort of remission

I scan my body

Hoping to not see those blotches on my skin

But when I do

Like this evening

I’m suddenly back to Florida in August

Angry

Afraid

Alone

With a body that was turning on me

A body that didn’t feel like mine anymore

I can’t help but miss the days when a stumble was just a misstep

And a bruise

Was just a fucking bruise

Check out my new Fuck MS artwork

I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2013. Since then it’s been a very bumpy ride. I was forced to
leave a career I loved and went through a very difficult time. I was lucky enough to have found art which has given me a peace I’ve never really known before.
The Fuck MS line was established after I began writing a blog under the same name.
These new pieces have a background of either the symptoms that can come with MS or the ignorant things people say to MS warriors. I think the image and words in the forefront are powerful and speak for themselves.
Fellow warriors, we’ve got this! 🖤

Check them and more out at my Etsy Shoppe https://www.etsy.com/shop/damagedgoodsshoppe