I didn’t choose any of this. The choice is mine, however, to decide what to do with it. What doesn’t kill us, right?

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‘Expectation is the root of all heartache.’ Shakespeare

I’m starting a program tomorrow at my local hospital

It’s teaches coping skills for people with anxiety and depression

It is half days on Tuesdays and Fridays for 12 weeks, with a minimum of 5 Thursdays

It is a group format, run by a Social Worker, Registered Nurse and Occupational Therapist and overseen by a Psychiatrist

I’ll have a primary worker and access to the Psychiatrist during the program

At first, I was really intrigued and almost hopeful

Until I went for the info session

It was a few weeks ago

It was run by the OT who was jet lagged and seemed like she hadn’t a clue in the world of what she was talking about

I felt some of my balloon of almost hope deflate

I then went for an assessment last week with the RN, who sat impassively while I cried as she asked questions from her computer

I felt foolish and disappointed when I found out she would become my primary worker

I was accepted into the program and given a start date

Tuesday March 26

Tomorrow

I’ve promised myself that I will give it an honest open-minded try

After all, everyone has bad days and all that

And it would be reckless to throw away an OHIP covered 12 week program off of two measly meetings

Right?

Tomorrow, I’ll be there at 8:45 AM to start my first day

So maybe my balloon of almost hope won’t inflate

But maybe my ballon won’t pop either

And maybe

For right now, that’s good enough

‘And if you look at your reflection…is that all you want it to be? What if you could look right through the cracks? Would you find yourself afraid to see?’ nine inch nails

My greatest fear is similar to that of being forgotten

But it’s more about living with the knowledge that when I’m gone, I’ll be forgotten

Maybe that’s why, when I was younger, carving things like ‘Angela was here’ on desks, felt like such a necessity

This great fear of mine

It’s not that I won’t exist

It’s the that I will have left no discernible mark on this world

Other than my carbon footprints

I wonder if that’s the reason people have children…

To ensure a piece of them lives on

It’s like a taste of immortality

I’ve got no delusions of grandeur

I won’t have discovered some new disease or uncovered some brilliant theory that will propel my name forward

There’s no legacy to leave behind

One day…

Who knows when?

My life will end

And that will just sorta be the gist of it…

Seems anticlimactic after everything, doesn’t it?

It’s the thought of having endured so much and then one day, it’s just *poof* over

And there’s nothing to show for it

It seems like such a waste of time

Time wasted throughout a lifetime

Time eaten up by anxiety and panic attacks and Optic Neuritis and depression

Time that I can never get back

There’s nothing more fear inducing than running out of time

On a test, in a race

Needing more time

But looking up at that damn clock

And seeing the seconds tick tick tick

It’s like Tyler Durden says in Fight Club:

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time’

That realization is supposed to motivate you

To change

To live fully

But what if all it does, is leave you paralyzed in fear?

What if it just haunts you?

Always reminding you

That time is slipping away

And you haven’t done what you were supposed to?

What you were meant to do?

What if it just reminds you that what you had, you simply wasted?

I hate the idea of leaving behind a gravestone with my name

And yet I am even more terrified of the possibility, in which that might be the only mark I’ve left on this earth

‘Feel the hollowness inside of your heart And it’s all, right where it belongs.’ Nine Inch Nails

I wrote this :

http://FUCKMS.CA/2018/03/21/A-TYPICAL-SICK-DAY-IN-THE-LIFE-OF-A-YOUTH-WORKER/

A year ago today.

My heart hurts

Looking around at my life

I still can’t quite accept that this is actually mine

Then I get mad at myself

Because that’s probably why I can’t move forward

I miss who I could have been

I miss who I should have been

I miss who I almost was…

‘The Jealous Are Troublesome To Others, But Torment To Themselves.’ William Penn

When your world feels small and your life seems shitty, and you see the people around you…people you love or like a whole lot…living their lives, happy and maybe not perfect but pretty damn good

How do you cope with that twitch of jealousy in your heart?

The one you don’t want to experience

And the one that it pains you to admit to

How do you feel happy for them…

And still long for your own

Without that green-eyed monster taking up permanent residence in your heart?

-Asking for a friend 😳

‘Everybody Is A Book Of Blood; Wherever We’re Opened, We’re Red.’ Clive Barker

Today sucked

Hard

I arranged to have one of the Bayshore nurses come to my parents house to do my monthly bloodwork

Since I skipped last month

I was nervous before the day started

But I went with it

The nurse got here

I did the same old pee in the plastic cup song and dance

And then sat in a recliner to get it over with

I told her I usually have it taken from my hand

And that I have anxiety related to it

She was kind and all that

I didn’t have my rubber ball to pump to get the vein ready and blood flowing

But I tried other methods

She got the vein on the first try

I breathed a sigh of a relief

After the initial painful puncture

And then…

No blood

No blood came out

She tried a few times to get it flowing

Nada

She tried a different vein on the same hand

I pumped my hand manically

She got the vein

And still

No blood

I asked her to try my other hand

I was pretty shaky, sweaty and anxious at this point

She inserted the needle

And

No fucking blood

She said

I literally have the needle in your vein and nothing is coming out

We gave up

She recommended I try to go to my regular lab and see my usual homegirl

But of course

Because of my panic and near agoraphobia

I had been trying to avoid that

She left

With her empty vials

Apologies

Used needles

And unfulfilled lab requisition

I was left with my urine sample sitting on my mother’s coffee table in her living room

There wasn’t any point in sending it in without the blood

Three track marks and I’m sure ugly bruises to follow

I pulled my knees up and just started sobbing

I broke my no-crying-for-three-days record

Feeling sorry for myself

Everything is always so damn hard

Nothing seems to come easy

And yet

After all of that

I didn’t have a panic attack

Even pre crisis

A day like today would have likely made me have a panic attack

But today

Through the punctures, the pain, the discomfort, the crumbled hope and the anxiety

I didn’t have a panic attack

That’s my silver lining on this shit-tastic day