The Only Way Out Is Through

It’s been something like two and a half weeks since I lost my mind
Countless days and nights that I haven’t felt like myself
That my skin hasn’t felt like my own
Two and a half weeks since I went to two different emergency rooms
Two and a half weeks since I spent the night at a crisis centre
Two and a half weeks since I first lost my appetite
Two and a half weeks since I first started having irrational and obsessive thoughts on top of multiple panic attacks per day
Two and a half weeks since I became scared to be alone
Scared in my own home
Scared of my own mind
It’s been a week and a day since I came to stay with my parents
It’s been a week and a day and I’ve only been comfortable being left alone once for a short period
It’s been a week and a half since I told my neuro psychiatrist what I was experiencing
It’s been a week and a half since I went back to my old full dose of Paxil
It’s been a week and a half of 3-4 Ativan per day
It’s been a week and a half of nausea, grogginess, headaches, crying fits and having my appetite return
It’s been a week and a day since I haven’t went to bed in my own home
Where I haven’t seen Joey either right before bed or as soon as I wake in the morning
A week and a day since I last napped with my dogs
4 days until I call my neuro psychiatrist to let him know how I’m doing
5 days until I start paying for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Unknown days until I return home
Unknown days until I don’t wake up afraid of a day filled with panic attacks
Unknown days until I don’t fall asleep fearing another day of panic attacks
Zero days that I haven’t wished for a different life
Zero days that I felt like I had the strength, courage and determination to get through this
Today though…is a special day
It’s the day where I wrote
Today is the day that I got my voice back


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‘There Are Moments That Mark Your Life. Moments When You Realize Nothing Will Ever Be The Same. And Time Is Divided Into Two Parts – Before This and After This.’ Nicholas Kazan (Fallen)

I had an a-ha moment today in my support group. We were on the first step which is:
1. We admitted to ourselves that we are powerless over our disease. That our lives had become unmanageable.
I got to go last…which meant I got to listen to 3 MS veterans. All having been diagnosed more than 15 years ago.
One spoke of feeling comfortable in being alone on Xmas day.
Someone else spoke of being okay with their sometimes self-imposed isolation. Another spoke of being aware of their limitations, without being self-deprecating.
I sat back and listened.
One in a wheelchair.
One in a scooter.
One with cognitive symptoms.
And I felt envious.
Of them.
Me,with my mostly mobile body.
Me, with my mostly cognitive functioning brain.
I felt jealous of each of them.
I felt jealous of the comfort and grace each of them had come to possess upon accepting their illness.
I sat there and reflected over the last 6 years since diagnosis.
The ups and so so many downs.
The relapses.
The symptoms.
The steroids.
Treatments.
Injections.
Sleepless nights.
Crying fits.
Raging fits.
Anxiety.
So much fucking anxiety.
All of it, having led me to this moment.
Waiting for my turn to talk in a 12 step support group.
Their eyes looked to me.
My turn.
I looked around the table.
Less than a year ago, they were nothing more than three strangers. People I would have passed on the street, without a second glance.
Now we share this inexplicable bond.
This illness we all have.
Referred to often as the ‘snowflake’ disease, since symptoms vary so much from person to person.
These three people who now know more about my feelings and thoughts than most of the people in my more immediate circle. These strangers not so different from this lifelong outsider, after all.
I told them I thought that I had accepted having MS.
6 years ago. I heard the words coming out of my Doctor’s mouth and thought to myself ‘okay….so now I have MS.’
I thought that was enough.
I thought that meant I had accepted it.
But it wasn’t until that very minute that I realized, I would never be able to accept MS, until I had also accepted the negative impact its had on my life.
That meant accepting the change in my job status.
The permanent damage to my eyes.
The toll all of it has taken on my already fragile mental state.
Taking all of that in…and still being able to say that while I won’t succumb to it, I have come to terms with having MS in my life. That I’m OKAY with it.
I’m not there…
Not even close.
But I found hope in looking around me.
Which for someone as chronically hopeless as myself, is a fucking lifeline.

‘No Dress Rehearsal. This Is Our Life.’

11 years ago

October 27, 2007

We got married

Still a few years shy of 30 years old

We thought we had it all figured out

How little we knew

We had yet to learn a lot

To experience so so much

We thought we knew it all

Life, predictably knew better

And yet

Even though

It was never perfect

It was occasionally heartbreaking

It was often difficult

It was filled with laughter

It was sometimes chaotic

It was sprinkled with passion

It was usually me needing help

It was intermittently explosive

It was frequently unexpected

And it was always…

Always…with you

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Throw back 11 years ago

‘The Two Most Important Days Are The Day You Are Born And The Day You Find Out Why.’ Mark Twain

I was thinking how these last few weeks (months?) have consisted of me trying not to feel sorry for myself

Yet I have been failing terribly at that

Then I got a call from a former client

Who had been out of touch for a long while and had me very worried for his well-being and safety

He’s doing great and is being taken care of for the first time in a long while

Which he deserves

He sounded so…healthy

You’re probably thinking ‘how can she tell that via phone?’

After spending inordinate amounts of time with my clients

I know them like the backs of my hands

I know their painful stories as much as I can recollect my own

I cherish their achievements probably more than I do my own

And I can tell when they’ve changed

So seldom do we hear about change for the better

But this is one of those stories

Gone was that drugged-out-to-escape-reality voice

Absent was that voice that carried so much self deprecation and sadness

Instead

I heard notes of pride, happiness and the thrill of looking forward to a promising future

All the things we hope that s young person can feel

I hung up with him, feeling lighter than I have in a long while

It got me to thinking why these last few months, out of all my 36 years, have been so difficult

So full of me trying and failing to not feel sorry for myself

Full of heartache and sadness

I stumbled into realizing that I feel lost

Feeling lost looks a lot like not knowing what your place is in the world, in your family, in your career and etc

The opposite of lost is of course ‘found’

Which is defined as:

to discover, especially where a thing or person is, either unexpectedly or by searching’

So that brings me to this…

Do you believe we all have a purpose?

And what is purpose anyway?

It is defined as:

the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.’

So my question really is, what are the reasons each of us are here?

I don’t think of this in terms of fantastic elements like destiny or fate

More so as each of us has the power within ourselves to reach our full potential

Which in turn then meets a ‘need’

This therein becomes our purpose

However, we often fall short of reaching our full potential

Which could be a result of a myriad of reasons (none of which are pertinent right now)

Over the last several months I have learned that I am a person who needs to have a purpose

In order to feel happy

It’s just the way it is

I can’t exist in life in any less of a way

Maybe it would make my life easier if I could

In fact, I’m sure of it

But nobody ever said it would be easy, right?

I’m pretty sure that me reaching my full potential has to do with helping others

Through work

Through sharing my experiences

The method isn’t important at this moment

I guess what is important right now

Is that I need to figure out what will allow me to feel like I’m fulfilling my purpose in life

While accepting that I do obviously have some limitations

Because at the end of the day

I just need to feel like all of this

All of the pain, sadness, difficulties

All of it

Wasn’t for nothing

You know?

Day 1 of 3 Quote Challenge

Thanks to the lovely Alyssa for her nomination. She has similar struggles as I do but yet seems to handle the challenges with a grace most could only dream to possess. Read more at Alyssa’s blog

I imagine anyone who knows me knows how much I love words, lyrics, poems, books etc and I could seriously cover my entire body in the quotes that have made me feel something and not regret one line.

My first quote is attributed to Robert Frost.

Excuse the bubble bath on the last word. 😬

What I love about this quote is that it says so much without revealing a single thing. You can feel how much the author has been through. How much life has thrown at him. And that at the end of the day, the thing you can really take away from life’s alleged lessons, is that it continues. The world keeps spinning, people keep moving. There’s something so comforting in that knowledge.

I’d like to nominate the following three bloggers to take part in the quote challenge:

Steve who motivates and inspires me to continue to write. He’s even written a book! Check out Steve’s blog

Second blogger nomination is Caz. Caz is supportive, encouraging and knows too well the struggles of a warrior. She writes about real life. Read her blog at Caz’s blog

Last but certainly not least is Jay-lyn, whose writing conjures up powerful images and is a fellow warr;or. Read her words at Jay-lyn’s blog.

What about my right to ask for accommodation when I feel I need it?

Email from employer:

Your email does not address the essential point of my February 22 email to you, which was a request for medical information. I believe my email to you was quite clear in advising you that BLANK requires medical information from your physician, not only so we can determine whether BLANK can take any steps to accommodate your situation, but also because BLANK requires the medical information so that we can understand whether you are going to be capable of regular full-time attendance in the future. Your email states that you have not requested an accommodation. Nevertheless, and even in the absence of a formal request for accommodation from you, BLANK has a duty to accommodate any employee with a disability. We are trying to do so, and that is one of the reasons we are requesting medical information, along with a secondary reason for the medical information, so that we can assess our ability to adequately staff the Section 23 program and meet our program obligations.

Whether you have specifically and formally requested an accommodation from BLANK or not , the fact remains that BLANK is entitled to have medical information from you to justify your pattern of absence from work. Furthermore, while you have not formally requested an accommodation, you have done so indirectly by , in essence, requesting that you be allowed to continue to maintain your full time position, when you have a two year pattern of less than regular full time attendance .

As I mentioned in my February 22, 2018 email to you, we acknowledge that we did receive a medical note from Dr. dated February 8, 2018. However, as I mentioned previously, it appears from His medical note that Dr. may not be aware of the extent and frequency of your absences.

It’s is BLANK view that Dr. has not correctly characterized your current ability for full-time work. Dr. states that, generally, you are capable of full-time work with regular duties. However, your attendance record has not demonstrated this. Instead, over the past two years and two months, you have been capable of only irregular attendance, working an average of four days per week. Full-time work is five days per week and your attendance record demonstrates that you have not been capable of full-time work. As mentioned above, we do understand as advised by you, this is due to your medical condition. Your doctor’s opinion that you are generally capable of full-time work is not consistent with your pattern of absence.

In any event, the medical you provided dated February 8, 2018 does not provide BLANK with sufficient information for us to assess whether you will be capable of regular full time attendance in the future, and what your prognosis might be. Therefore, we request that you return to Dr. for a follow up appointment and specifically obtain the following medical information in written form from Dr. and then provide it to us:

1. A description of any medical, physical or other restrictions which may result from your medical condition and which may impact on your ability to perform your job duties and attend work on a regular, full-time basis, meaning five days per week. (Please note that we are not asking for any diagnosis or details of your medical condition, other than as they relate to any restrictions it may have on your ability to perform your workplace duties and ability to attend work regularly.);

2. A prognosis from your physician as to the likelihood that your medical condition might improve, such that any current restrictions and/or modifications might not be required in the future, or may be required to a lesser degree;

3. A prognosis from your physician as to the likelihood of your ability to achieve regular, full-time workplace attendance (i.e. five days per week as opposed to your current average of four days per week) in the reasonably foreseeable future;

4. Alternatively, if your physician determines that it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve regular, full-time attendance in the reasonably foreseeable future, whether it is also likely that your attendance will tend to decline in the reasonably foreseeable future; and

5. Any suggested accommodations or recommendations your doctor may have for BLANK to allow us to better accommodate your situation.

Angela, please note that we require the above information from your physician so that we may assess your workplace restrictions, needs and any requirements for accommodation, as well as our ability to ensure that we meet program needs, which are five days per week.”

You have stated that you are unclear about what BLANK is trying to achieve by highlighting your absences from two years ago.

Let me try to clarify . What we are trying to achieve is to obtain an understanding from your physician about your pattern of absences, and in particular we are trying to determine whether you will be capable of regular full-time attendance in the foreseeable future. That is why we have requested that you provide to your physician a copy of my February 22 email, so that your physician can answer the five questions BLANK has asked, as well as complete the form we have delivered to you. To repeat, BLANK requires this medical information from your doctor so that we can understand any accommodation issues or obligations BLANK may have toward you, AND ALSO so that we may understand whether you will be capable of regular full-time attendance in the foreseeable future. BLANK is entitled to that information and you are contractually obligated to provide it.

We have referred to your absence pattern for the past two years because it is a critical fact in our decision-making processes. Review of your attendance records, has identified that over the past two years, you have been unable to attend work 5 days a week consistently. BLANK has a right to expect that its employees attend work on a full-time basis regularly. Your record demonstrates that you have been unable to do so, and you are therefore not in compliance with your contractual employment obligations. As I mentioned in my last email, however, BLANK does understand that you have a medical condition which is preventing you from regular full-time attendance, as you identified in our meeting in January 2018. We are not faulting you. Nevertheless, BLANK is entitled to know whether this absence pattern is going to continue, or whether it will improve or get worse. We need this medical information to assess our staffing and meet our program needs. Currently, your attendance pattern is negatively impacting AYSP’s ability to meet its program requirements.

After we receive the requested information from your physician, BLANK will review it, and BLANK will then be in a better position to understand the likelihood that you will be capable of regular full-time attendance in the foreseeable future, or not, and we will also be in a better position to assess our staffing needs in order to meet our program requirements.

I requested in my February 22 email, further medical, which you have yet to provide. Please re-attend at your physician as soon as possible and obtain in written form, the medical information we have requested. Please advise me when your next scheduled medical appointment is so that I may have an understanding of when BLANK can expect to receive the requested medical information.

I trust that the above information, together with my email to you of February 22, 2018, have clarified BLANK position, and has explained why we are requesting medical information. We look forward to receiving that medical information as soon as possible.

Finally, we are sorry that you are feeling stressed. However, I can assure you that we have no intention to pressure or discriminate against or harass you. We do not feel it is pressure, discrimination or harassment to require that you provide us with medical information that you have a contractual obligation to provide.

That last part just feels like a slap in the face.

Happy birthday to my better half

You have a light within you

That’s brilliant and warm

Just enough to make it cozy

Your light makes people want to be near you

To bask and enjoy its warmth

It makes me wish for things that aren’t meant for people like me

I used to wish you could take my darkness away and change me

But now I understand so much better

You can’t carry my darkness

It’s mine for a reason

But somehow

I can still see your brilliant light through my darkness

And that is enough for me

And that means more to me than you can ever know

Happy birthday to the guy that makes my life brighter ❤️