‘The Two Most Important Days Are The Day You Are Born And The Day You Find Out Why.’ Mark Twain

I was thinking how these last few weeks (months?) have consisted of me trying not to feel sorry for myself

Yet I have been failing terribly at that

Then I got a call from a former client

Who had been out of touch for a long while and had me very worried for his well-being and safety

He’s doing great and is being taken care of for the first time in a long while

Which he deserves

He sounded so…healthy

You’re probably thinking ‘how can she tell that via phone?’

After spending inordinate amounts of time with my clients

I know them like the backs of my hands

I know their painful stories as much as I can recollect my own

I cherish their achievements probably more than I do my own

And I can tell when they’ve changed

So seldom do we hear about change for the better

But this is one of those stories

Gone was that drugged-out-to-escape-reality voice

Absent was that voice that carried so much self deprecation and sadness

Instead

I heard notes of pride, happiness and the thrill of looking forward to a promising future

All the things we hope that s young person can feel

I hung up with him, feeling lighter than I have in a long while

It got me to thinking why these last few months, out of all my 36 years, have been so difficult

So full of me trying and failing to not feel sorry for myself

Full of heartache and sadness

I stumbled into realizing that I feel lost

Feeling lost looks a lot like not knowing what your place is in the world, in your family, in your career and etc

The opposite of lost is of course ‘found’

Which is defined as:

to discover, especially where a thing or person is, either unexpectedly or by searching’

So that brings me to this…

Do you believe we all have a purpose?

And what is purpose anyway?

It is defined as:

the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.’

So my question really is, what are the reasons each of us are here?

I don’t think of this in terms of fantastic elements like destiny or fate

More so as each of us has the power within ourselves to reach our full potential

Which in turn then meets a ‘need’

This therein becomes our purpose

However, we often fall short of reaching our full potential

Which could be a result of a myriad of reasons (none of which are pertinent right now)

Over the last several months I have learned that I am a person who needs to have a purpose

In order to feel happy

It’s just the way it is

I can’t exist in life in any less of a way

Maybe it would make my life easier if I could

In fact, I’m sure of it

But nobody ever said it would be easy, right?

I’m pretty sure that me reaching my full potential has to do with helping others

Through work

Through sharing my experiences

The method isn’t important at this moment

I guess what is important right now

Is that I need to figure out what will allow me to feel like I’m fulfilling my purpose in life

While accepting that I do obviously have some limitations

Because at the end of the day

I just need to feel like all of this

All of the pain, sadness, difficulties

All of it

Wasn’t for nothing

You know?

Advertisements

Day 1 of 3 Quote Challenge

Thanks to the lovely Alyssa for her nomination. She has similar struggles as I do but yet seems to handle the challenges with a grace most could only dream to possess. Read more at Alyssa’s blog

I imagine anyone who knows me knows how much I love words, lyrics, poems, books etc and I could seriously cover my entire body in the quotes that have made me feel something and not regret one line.

My first quote is attributed to Robert Frost.

Excuse the bubble bath on the last word. 😬

What I love about this quote is that it says so much without revealing a single thing. You can feel how much the author has been through. How much life has thrown at him. And that at the end of the day, the thing you can really take away from life’s alleged lessons, is that it continues. The world keeps spinning, people keep moving. There’s something so comforting in that knowledge.

I’d like to nominate the following three bloggers to take part in the quote challenge:

Steve who motivates and inspires me to continue to write. He’s even written a book! Check out Steve’s blog

Second blogger nomination is Caz. Caz is supportive, encouraging and knows too well the struggles of a warrior. She writes about real life. Read her blog at Caz’s blog

Last but certainly not least is Jay-lyn, whose writing conjures up powerful images and is a fellow warr;or. Read her words at Jay-lyn’s blog.

What about my right to ask for accommodation when I feel I need it?

Email from employer:

Your email does not address the essential point of my February 22 email to you, which was a request for medical information. I believe my email to you was quite clear in advising you that BLANK requires medical information from your physician, not only so we can determine whether BLANK can take any steps to accommodate your situation, but also because BLANK requires the medical information so that we can understand whether you are going to be capable of regular full-time attendance in the future. Your email states that you have not requested an accommodation. Nevertheless, and even in the absence of a formal request for accommodation from you, BLANK has a duty to accommodate any employee with a disability. We are trying to do so, and that is one of the reasons we are requesting medical information, along with a secondary reason for the medical information, so that we can assess our ability to adequately staff the Section 23 program and meet our program obligations.

Whether you have specifically and formally requested an accommodation from BLANK or not , the fact remains that BLANK is entitled to have medical information from you to justify your pattern of absence from work. Furthermore, while you have not formally requested an accommodation, you have done so indirectly by , in essence, requesting that you be allowed to continue to maintain your full time position, when you have a two year pattern of less than regular full time attendance .

As I mentioned in my February 22, 2018 email to you, we acknowledge that we did receive a medical note from Dr. dated February 8, 2018. However, as I mentioned previously, it appears from His medical note that Dr. may not be aware of the extent and frequency of your absences.

It’s is BLANK view that Dr. has not correctly characterized your current ability for full-time work. Dr. states that, generally, you are capable of full-time work with regular duties. However, your attendance record has not demonstrated this. Instead, over the past two years and two months, you have been capable of only irregular attendance, working an average of four days per week. Full-time work is five days per week and your attendance record demonstrates that you have not been capable of full-time work. As mentioned above, we do understand as advised by you, this is due to your medical condition. Your doctor’s opinion that you are generally capable of full-time work is not consistent with your pattern of absence.

In any event, the medical you provided dated February 8, 2018 does not provide BLANK with sufficient information for us to assess whether you will be capable of regular full time attendance in the future, and what your prognosis might be. Therefore, we request that you return to Dr. for a follow up appointment and specifically obtain the following medical information in written form from Dr. and then provide it to us:

1. A description of any medical, physical or other restrictions which may result from your medical condition and which may impact on your ability to perform your job duties and attend work on a regular, full-time basis, meaning five days per week. (Please note that we are not asking for any diagnosis or details of your medical condition, other than as they relate to any restrictions it may have on your ability to perform your workplace duties and ability to attend work regularly.);

2. A prognosis from your physician as to the likelihood that your medical condition might improve, such that any current restrictions and/or modifications might not be required in the future, or may be required to a lesser degree;

3. A prognosis from your physician as to the likelihood of your ability to achieve regular, full-time workplace attendance (i.e. five days per week as opposed to your current average of four days per week) in the reasonably foreseeable future;

4. Alternatively, if your physician determines that it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve regular, full-time attendance in the reasonably foreseeable future, whether it is also likely that your attendance will tend to decline in the reasonably foreseeable future; and

5. Any suggested accommodations or recommendations your doctor may have for BLANK to allow us to better accommodate your situation.

Angela, please note that we require the above information from your physician so that we may assess your workplace restrictions, needs and any requirements for accommodation, as well as our ability to ensure that we meet program needs, which are five days per week.”

You have stated that you are unclear about what BLANK is trying to achieve by highlighting your absences from two years ago.

Let me try to clarify . What we are trying to achieve is to obtain an understanding from your physician about your pattern of absences, and in particular we are trying to determine whether you will be capable of regular full-time attendance in the foreseeable future. That is why we have requested that you provide to your physician a copy of my February 22 email, so that your physician can answer the five questions BLANK has asked, as well as complete the form we have delivered to you. To repeat, BLANK requires this medical information from your doctor so that we can understand any accommodation issues or obligations BLANK may have toward you, AND ALSO so that we may understand whether you will be capable of regular full-time attendance in the foreseeable future. BLANK is entitled to that information and you are contractually obligated to provide it.

We have referred to your absence pattern for the past two years because it is a critical fact in our decision-making processes. Review of your attendance records, has identified that over the past two years, you have been unable to attend work 5 days a week consistently. BLANK has a right to expect that its employees attend work on a full-time basis regularly. Your record demonstrates that you have been unable to do so, and you are therefore not in compliance with your contractual employment obligations. As I mentioned in my last email, however, BLANK does understand that you have a medical condition which is preventing you from regular full-time attendance, as you identified in our meeting in January 2018. We are not faulting you. Nevertheless, BLANK is entitled to know whether this absence pattern is going to continue, or whether it will improve or get worse. We need this medical information to assess our staffing and meet our program needs. Currently, your attendance pattern is negatively impacting AYSP’s ability to meet its program requirements.

After we receive the requested information from your physician, BLANK will review it, and BLANK will then be in a better position to understand the likelihood that you will be capable of regular full-time attendance in the foreseeable future, or not, and we will also be in a better position to assess our staffing needs in order to meet our program requirements.

I requested in my February 22 email, further medical, which you have yet to provide. Please re-attend at your physician as soon as possible and obtain in written form, the medical information we have requested. Please advise me when your next scheduled medical appointment is so that I may have an understanding of when BLANK can expect to receive the requested medical information.

I trust that the above information, together with my email to you of February 22, 2018, have clarified BLANK position, and has explained why we are requesting medical information. We look forward to receiving that medical information as soon as possible.

Finally, we are sorry that you are feeling stressed. However, I can assure you that we have no intention to pressure or discriminate against or harass you. We do not feel it is pressure, discrimination or harassment to require that you provide us with medical information that you have a contractual obligation to provide.

That last part just feels like a slap in the face.

Happy birthday to my better half

You have a light within you

That’s brilliant and warm

Just enough to make it cozy

Your light makes people want to be near you

To bask and enjoy its warmth

It makes me wish for things that aren’t meant for people like me

I used to wish you could take my darkness away and change me

But now I understand so much better

You can’t carry my darkness

It’s mine for a reason

But somehow

I can still see your brilliant light through my darkness

And that is enough for me

And that means more to me than you can ever know

Happy birthday to the guy that makes my life brighter ❤️

‘We don’t even ask for happiness, just a little less pain’

Today

I feel defeated

It was time to go for my monthly blood test

And so I did

Without any problems

I waved bye to my favourite lab technician

She remembered to get the butterfly to take blood from my hand

She rarely leaves bruises

She remembers I need to lie down during the process

I forgot her name and called her by the wrong name

I hope she knows that her kindness has made a difference to me

Even though I still can’t remember her fucking name for the life of me

I walked out the doors and into the car where Joey was waiting

I sipped water

Like I always need to do

But always seem to forget to grab a bottle from home

You probably wouldn’t understand

It’s an anxiety thing

He asked how it went

Looking at the cotton ball taped hand

Proof that I’d succeeded

And then I felt the dam break inside of me

I started crying

Not hysterical

Not sobbing

Just an overwhelming feeling of discouragement and sadness came over me

Resulting in tears down my face

I kept thinking

Maybe I said it aloud too

I don’t remember

I can’t do this for another five years

I just can’t

The needle

The waiting

The results

Will this month be the one where I learn I have some type of cancer?

Will next months test reveal that I have something wrong with my kidneys?

Internal bleeding?

Everyone reassured me the monthly blood tests would get easier

But I’m like 8 months in

And I dread everything about this day and the week afterwards

Before you rush to point it out

Yes of course I’m proud that I’ve been able to do it

Yes of course I know that it could be worse

Yes of course I know that I signed up for this

Yes yes yes

Of course

There’s nothing you can say that I don’t already know

That I don’t repeat to myself a million times a day

That I don’t mutter under my breath whenever these fears creep in

That just doesn’t make me feel any better

And yet

Here I am

8 months in

I’m still alive

But that voice in my head

Just keeps talking

Keeps taunting me

Keeps haunting me

Keeps reminding me

This is your life now

The blood tests, the results page, the friendly lab techs whose names I don’t remember, the urine containers that I struggle to pee in, the anxiety

And the fear

That what if

In the end

None of it was worth it…?

The power of anger can rage inside until it tears you apart

It’s been an anger fuelled few weeks

It’s not one thing that I can pinpoint

But rather an avalanche of bullshit

I can’t really tell which event triggered the catastrophic movement

I only know that at this point it seems like the load is unbearable and can’t possibly withstand anymore weight

I can feel anger building within me

I can feel the moment where my blood begins to boil

Feel the way it warms my body

Feel the adrenaline racing through my body

Gearing up for a fight

I’ve always likened anger to a pop bottle that continues to build its fury when shaken

And we all know what it happens when the next poor fool opens the bottle

But

What happens the avalanche doesn’t stop?

The fight doesn’t happen?

The pop bottle never gets opened?

The toxicity just stays in the body

It permeates every cell

It ferments

It changes you

It alters who you are

How you see the world

How others relate to you

And this is the fucked up part;

It doesn’t kill you

Instead,

It just slowly ruins you

//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({

google_ad_client: “ca-pub-7526510359972288”,

enable_page_level_ads: true

});

I think I used to have a purpose

Some days I feel so empty

That I’m sure if I looked down I’d have a giant hole in my chest that I could see right through

Some days I feel so sensitive

That it hurts when people simply look at me

Some days I feel so anxious

That my skin somehow doesn’t feel like it fits over my bones

Some days I feel so sad

That watching someone smile makes my heart squeeze and contract

Some days I feel so strong

That I could conquer the world with only my voice

Some days I feel so magnetic

That I can see the moment someone feels the warmth of my attention

Some days my heart feels so full

That I think even the smallest thing can make it burst into a watercolour bouquet

Some days I’m so numb

That I’m pretty sure not even a gun shot would hurt me let alone kill me

Some days I feel so little

That I’m sure my insides must be hollow and barren

Some days I feel so detached

That my movements mimic a robot performing a sterile routine

Some days I just so feel so much like myself

That I feel like I could suffocate and choke on the predictability of it all

And I just don’t understand why

those are the

worst days

of all

//rcm-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/cm?o=1&p=7&l=ez&f=ifr&linkID=6cc9ce882b92c3b045b4ecee8d54547b&t=fuckms-20&tracking_id=fuckms-20