Not everyone can remember the exact moment when they had their first life changing moment
I can
I was in grade two
We were gathered around on the floor waiting to meet our new teacher
Everyone was excited and nervous
A little background:
I’d gone to the same school since Junior Kindergarten
It was a Catholic elementary school
With predominantly Italian-Canadian kids like me
The teachers were mostly Italian descent as well
They were all what you’d picture elementary school teachers to look and dress like
I liked my teachers enough
I liked school enough
And then Art walked in
Right into my grade two classroom
I knew things wouldn’t be the same
My jaw dropped, along with pretty much all the other kids
It was a woman with platinum blonde crimped hair and she wore a sorta green taffeta Victorian style dress
She had thick black eyeliner and red lip stick and pointy boots
I had never seen something so beautiful before
While the other kids were murmuring to each other that she they thought she looked kinda weird
I just sat there
And thought ‘I want to be just like her when I grow up’
I was lucky enough to have Ms. T as my teacher, 3 times over the years
She was so artistic and creative
And I loved the creative writing prompts she would give us
Where I could write whatever I wanted
We would read in front of the class
Which undoubtedly gave me the confidence that I still have today, to enjoy public speaking (somewhat of a rarity for anxiety-sufferers)
I can’t even count how many times she told me how much she believed in me, even standing up for me, when it was appropriate
Me
A little girl, then a 10 year old brat and lastly a weird 12 year old unsure of her place in the world
She would often see me standing waiting for the bus after school
And would drive me home
I absolutely loved those moments
When I felt I had a special connection with her that the other kids didn’t have
I looked forward to seeing her yellow Jeep driving down the street towards me
I’d sit in the front passenger seat and chat
I left the Jeep positively glowing
Even now when I look back on my memories, it comes with a sort of magic
Which is fitting since I was sure she was a witch with her clothes, shoes and makeup
But not the scary kinda witch that kids are often afraid of
No, Ms. T was the good witch
The one that carried a little bit of magic in her Victorian lace pockets
The magic that made me love learning and writing
Sprinkling just enough of it for me to feel so at ease and happy in her presence
When I got into high school
I was already expressing myself differently
Dying my hair
And wearing all black
Later painting my eyes black
And so on
Life had shifted so dramatically
Where I once loved to learn with an amazing teacher
Now I was often being kicked out of class for not wearing the uniform to the various teachers liking
I hated English classes almost more than any
I had two different teachers
That would pick on me mercilessly in front of the entire class
About my make up
About my hair
About my jewellery
About me
I wish I could tell you it didn’t bother me
But it had a profound effect on me
I started to hate school and resent these teachers
Most authority figures too
In the dreaded math class where I struggled the most
I was kicked out so often that I got frustrated and annoyed
I remember saying to the teacher and later to the Vice Principal
That it just didn’t make any sense
To kick me out of a class that I’d needed the most help with
I grew disenfranchised and apathetic to learning
I skipped school a lot
What was the point, I’d probably get kicked out for a uniform infraction or another
I’d see other girls often not even in uniform, and they’d make it through, completely unscathed
Over the years I’d still run into Ms. T and she always made me feel just as special as that kid who got rides in her Jeep
I couldn’t understand how she could be in the same profession as these other teachers who seemed to care more about deterring young women from figuring out who they were than of any real learning
In grade eleven, there was a new Principal and she hated me on sight
There was a meeting held
I think my father came
I can’t remember much of it
I hated school
I didn’t want to leave my friends
But I couldn’t keep doing this
The meeting had a lot to do with the school urging me to change my ‘look’
Or face the consequences
Not change my behaviour
Just the way I looked
I’d been told by my family numerous times
That it would be so much easier if I could just change
I knew they were trying to help what was becoming a horrible situation
I just couldn’t do it
I remember once my best friend and I swapped outfits as a joke
She wore my ripped shorts and flannel with a band tee and I wore her neatly pressed button up blouse with dressy shorts
I felt like my skin was crawling
I don’t know how else to explain it
I felt fake
I felt like everyone could see me without my clothes on
To have changed my outward appearance was simply not an option for me
I left the school
I went to an alternative public school
Which was the polar opposite of what I was used to
In every imaginable way
I still stood out, it just wasn’t a big deal
I wish I could say I was able to get back what I’d lost
That love of learning
But by this point I just wanted to graduate and never look back
I missed my friends most of whom I’d known since elementary school
I missed being around kids of the same culture I’d grown up in
It was kinda a culture shock
I remember urging my parents not to attend graduation
Fearful of how much they would stand out in a sea of waspy parents
Ironic right?
Sure I was lucky enough to have awesome teachers once again
Even one who let me focus my entire Independent Studies in Anarchy as a political ‘structure’
I still smile at that
Unfortunately, I never enjoyed school the way I had previously
I look back at my life of the years
Of course I think maybe it would have been easier if I’d somehow chosen on a different path
But it just never felt like a choice
Truthfully, I cannot imagine it any other way
I don’t think I really even want to
And I’m certain that Ms. T walked into my classroom and changed the trajectory of my life in the best way possible
I hope she knows for that, I will always be grateful
Through the difficulties, through it all
I can unequivocally say that the one thing I’m completely comfortable in, is my own skin and who I am as an individual
Which so many people, never seem to achieve
More-so, I’m confident in who I am
I owe it to Ms. T
After all, she steered me clear of becoming anything but boring
