Nobody told me

Nobody told me ten years ago

In the middle of a crisis of my mind

That the miracle pill I was being prescribed

That the pill which was so hard getting used to

Would be worse to get off of

Would be compared to heroin to withdraw from

I’m on 40 mg of Paxil and have pretty much been on that dosage for the last ten years

I’m pretty sure that for the last 5plus years that my continuing to take it, does little else but keep me from getting sick

A year ago a psychiatrist recommended I wean off of it and try something else

I panicked

I never went back

I know it’s the right thing to do of course

I know my anxiety won out

Despite that I’ve been able to get a really firm handle on managing my anxiety disorder

Certain situations make the anxious thoughts and sensations come back with a vengeance

The flu

Being intoxicated

Certain medications and side effects

And the thought of weaning off Paxil

Not because I’m a firm believer in the drug

But because I am so fucking scared of losing myself again

It was so awful once upon a time to be afraid of my mind

To be afraid to be alone with my thoughts

To not trust myself

And yeah the Paxil isn’t improving my mood

But I feel like me

Granted a heavier sweatier me

But that’s a small price to pay for peace of mind

Literally

But I went back to the aforementioned doctor yesterday

And explained why he never saw me again and my fear of the withdrawal process

When voicing these concerns, he recommended contacting a Compounding pharmacy

The compounding pharmacy can create capsules that would allow me to reduce Paxil in smaller increments

Say for example by the rule of 10% drop, so 4 mg at a time

Maybe for a week or two

The process will take longer but the goal is to minimize the negative side effects associated with Paxil withdrawal

I contacted some compounding pharmacies and they can do that

For a cost of course

But peace of mind you know…

I am supposed to call the doctor and let him know what I have found and decided

But instead I obsessed and allowed my anxious thoughts to run wild

With all the what if’s and worse case scenarios

So here I am now 24 hours after seeing the doctor

I’ve had to take an addition Ativan to blanket my anxiety

I’ve made no concrete decision

And as long as I continue to avoid the decision

My anxiety will remain at bay

And I know that’s not an answer

Just another avoidance

And I’ll tell myself it’s for the best

And my anxiety-addled brain will believe me

Until…

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