‘How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?’ Winnie the Pooh

Some days the light is so bright that all I can do is immerse myself in it

The pain I usually feel is overwhelmed by the natural beauty the light bestows

Upon me

And all I can do is worship at its sight

Like a pilgrimage to a holy site

I sit in bask in what can only be described as incandescent

The way it heats my face and my body is a reminder of how alive I am in this moment

When I turn away

I am reminded how fleeting beauty can be

And how this moment may not last forever

And there might be a time when I can no longer see the beauty right in front of me

But memories fade and I want proof that this moment existed

I take a picture and write a poem

And hope that something gets imprinted onto my heart

So that I may be able to conjure up these feelings on the days when I just can’t find the light no matter how hard I try

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Day 2 of 3 Quote challenge

Amidst the chaos of moving I almost forgot to post my quote for Day 2.

I’m not gonna nominate any more people cause I’m a rebel like that (read lazy).

This quote is hauntingly beautiful isn’t it? It’s no big surprise that I see myself as ‘broken’ and Hemingway helps me see it as not just a negative thing. Of course being broken isn’t ideal and I would have loved a different life but this quote makes me see the beauty in it. With all the cracks in my armour, the light flows in and it allows me to be the sensitive and empathetic person that I am. There may be parts of me that are damaged but there’s beauty in there too and that’s from the light shining in.

I want to dance in the rain

I don’t want to be that person above that sits impatiently waiting for the huge storm to pass

With tired eyes and a listless body

I don’t want to be the person that misses out on the feelings of being alive you only get while dancing in the rain

With a heavy heart and a restless soul

I don’t want to be the person that sits and sits wondering when the storm will end

I do want to be the person that makes the best of what the storm is offering

I do want to be the person that can revel in magic of the strongest storms

I do want to be the person that can revel in the beauty of the sun coming out after a dark storm

But what do you do when your body and your mind and your soul are all operating at different levels of abilities?

Your body wants to sleep

Your mind wants to give up

And your soul vacillates between wanting to run and wanting to steal someone else’s happiness

Some days my body can’t go on

And I have to call in sick from life

And I have to sleep

And I have to hope that rest will be what my body is needing

Some days my mind’s suffering is so strong

And I need to escape from life

And I need to sleep

And I need to hope that I either won’t wake up or that I’ll wake up whole again? For the first time?

My favourite are the days when my soul is screaming the loudest that it can’t be ignored and I have no choice in the matter

And I just live

And I just laugh

And I just love

So fully

So heartily

So fucking strongly

That I hope it will be enough to keep me going

On the days when my body and my mind are all I can listen to

And I can’t remember what the rain drops felt like cooling my skin as I danced and danced under the magical stormy sky

I want to box it up

With tape and bubble wrap

And beautiful hopefulness

I can replace my broken heart with it

I can replace my damaged mind with it

And I can live the way my soul wants me to

Never simply waiting for the storm to pass

Always dancing to the chaos of the rain drops

The only way me soul expects me to…

The line begins to blur


I had a weird moment the other day

I went swimming and obviously had to take off my glasses
I couldn’t see shit

I got so frustrated

I went into the water and put on goggles

And

The world came into focus 

Crystal clear and vivid

I glided under the water 

It felt like I was dreaming 

I could see like I could before MS fucked everything up

And I know it was just the inside of a swimming pool

But

It was so fucking perfect

All bright colours

And defined lines

I put my arms out in front of me 

I watched them 

Thinking how something so insignificant like my fucking outstretched arms

Could be so beautiful

I came out of the water several times

And dove under again

Testing the waters

Literally

Every time I went under

The world slipped back into focus

I’m sure there’s some scientific reasoning behind this

But I don’t really care 

Because for those brief moments

I didn’t struggle to see what was around me

I wasn’t being reminded of my disability

It was flawless

I was flawless

And then I got out of the water

And reality crashed like waves

The world was darker

Unfocused 

Everything was dimmed

Fucking irony

Graffiti Alley

Not the one I remember from my youth, but this picture does evoke the feelings I had when I was 15 at the original Grafitti Alley. Felt like I was exploring an unknown secret place. Like Harry Potter and Diagon Valley. I remember going home afterwards and smelling like incense and vintage clothes and unwrapping my small purchases and feeling so giddy that I knew of a hidden place with all kinds of the coolest shit my 15 year old could even conjur up.

Even when I’m lying in the gutter…I can still see the stars 

I watched a video the other night that someone shared on Facebook. It was a danish tv station that made the video. The concept was basic. We are all humans. But it got me.  Watch the video here:

Danish video
Maybe it’s because there’s so much hate and sadness in the world. But the message in the video just got to me. I believe in the goodness of humanity. That’s why I am a youth worker. I believe in hope and the possibilities for a better future. 
Sometimes all the sadness in the world really consumes me and I feel it in every single cell of my being. I think I’m some sort of an empath and can physically feel the pain and hurt of others. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I just want to close my eyes and cover my ears so I don’t have to bear witness to it…

With depression, those feelings can easily consume me. But when I get to see the beauty in the world. Fuck, if it isn’t all completely worth it. It’s like someone turned up the lights and everything is so dazzling and bright. And I cry out of sheer happiness..my heart feels like it can burst. Like it will burst, like I can’t simply contain all the love and happiness I feel in my heart. 

I don’t know if anyone else can relate or even understand the feelings that I have. When I feel that way I wish that everyone else could have a chance to have that heart bursting moment but then I think of the flip side and that darkness that comes with it, is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.