Alright so ‘Let’s Talk.’

While I’m glad to see so many friends and family supporting Bell’s ‘Let’s Talk’ campaign to raise awareness for mental health, I think it’s long overdue time to get real about fact that while awareness is helpful in de-stigmatizing mental illness. It does not fix a very broken healthcare system. Yes, I know the rhetoric. Canada is so great, free healthcare and all that. But <and this is just my opinion> it’s great when you are for the most part a ‘healthy’ person. For the rest of us, navigating the healthcare system with a chronic illness like Multiple Sclerosis is, at the best of times, tricky and underwhelming. However, when you throw mental illness into the mix, it becomes glaringly apparent just how lacklustre our services really are. Firstly, when a person is in crisis, you do what you’ve been taught your entire life to do…which is to seek help. You go to the emerge. Where you are triaged based on need.

Which I understand as the most serious cases being seen first.

So in my last experience, I waited and waited and waited. In active crisis. Which for me, meant I felt panicked and somewhat hysterical.

And they put me to wait in a loud, bright, bustling waiting area for over 5 hours until I approached a nurse and through sobs told her I needed help. She moved me to a stretcher in a quieter hallway. I waited and waited and waited.

After a few more hours, I was seen by a crisis psychiatric nurse and a psychiatrist. I was ultimately sent home (with no follow up) because the psychiatrist didn’t want to ‘step on’ the toes of my illustrious neuro psychiatrist.

Clearly, my crisis had not ended. I ended up seeking help twice more <once through a crisis centre and once more at a different emerge>.

So let’s stop here for a minute.

What could be changed to keep in line with the current fad of progressive mental health Canada seems keen to have?

1. Upon first triage, when I explained that I was experiencing panic attacks and was terrified there are a few different ways that could have been handled:

Option A. A triage system that recognizes mental health. My vitals could still have been taken and when it was apparent that my panic attack was the primary reason for my visit, I could have been triaged to a mental health waiting area. This might look like something on a different floor, with room for privacy and staffed by both nurses and psychiatric nurses. I could have had the psychiatric nurse assess me and then had a psychiatrist who does the rounds discuss with the nurse what the best course of treatment would be. I would not have a psychiatrist who cared more about her career connections than my crisis.

Option B. Upon triage, after taking my vitals and confirming that it was in fact most likely a panic attack that was my primary reason for visiting. I could have been provided with crisis line information and/or a referral to a mobile crisis team or something similar. In my own work experience, I have used a mobile crisis team to come to a school I was at with a young man who needed psychiatric assistance. Often with anxiety disorders, talking to someone who has the tools to walk you through a crisis, is all you need at that moment.

Option C. Would require intensive training for all frontline staff including triage nurses to emergency room nurses to emergency room doctors and so on. I would imagine this option would be highly unlikely. However, it would be helpful for such staff to be experienced in noticing the signs and symptoms of various mental illnesses and being knowledgeable with basic tools such as belly breathing. Furthermore at the point of triage, redirecting patients who have a flu or a cold to walk-in clinics would help possibly reducing the amount of people using the emergency room.

Secondly, family doctors generally are not equipped with the resources to handle crisis situations. And in my case, my doctor has something like 1700 patients. So if in my crisis, I had called to get an appointment to at least know there might be relief in sight, it is unlikely that I could get an appointment within the next two weeks. So this appears to be dead end and not a valid or helpful direction.

Thirdly, the saga with my neuro psychiatrist. You remember him right? The one no one would touch me because of?

I was called for a referral that the psychiatric nurse had put in for a short term psychiatrist.

When I spoke to intake, she said they could not see me because of my neuro psychiatrist.

I asked perplexed ‘even if I’m telling you I don’t want to go back and see him?’ You can guess the answer there.

So my neuro psychiatrist. I left voicemails and emails and was lucky that I had an already scheduled appointment with him the week after my emergency room visit. I saw him for less than half an hour, I gave him notes that I took on my ordeal which I’m sure he never read.

He apologized to hear what I had gone through and recommended that the next time I tried to get off Paxil, he would do it inpatient at Sunnybrook.

I think I guffawed and said I’d never try to get off of it again.

He prescribed my original dose of Paxil and some additional Ativan to get me through, told me to call to update in two weeks and sent me on my way.

Oh and my next appointment is in three months time.

While he is a very highly regarded doctor and widely known within the MS community, is he the best person to be treating me? My anxiety and depression were triggered long before my MS appeared. It appears to me that seeing another psychiatrist is near impossible not to mention that all psychiatrists are OHIP covered, so the wait time for a new one would likely be close to a year. In October, my neuro psychiatrist put in a referral for me to do CBT at a hospital close by. The wait time for that is equally lengthy. So I found a private clinic that offers CBT that is not covered by OHIP and am going to see them next week. It’s expensive and not covered by my group benefits.

During this time, I also had my family doctor complete an application for a private inpatient facility that deals with mental illness and would cost approximately 20K for 56 days.There was a wait time, and thankfully during this time, my Paxil increase has kicked in and I am no longer in crisis so I have deferred admission. I do not want to go to a place that costs that amount of money. I am trying to figure this out on my own before they call me to give me a final offer me for admission.

I don’t know where that leaves me.

I don’t know where any of this leaves me.

I don’t know what my future looks like.

Much like half the Canadians who also live with mental illness.

We are left to navigate this scary and overwhelming path on our own.

So maybe it’s time Bell changes it’s campaign from ‘Let’s Talk’ to ‘Let’s Talk About How We Can Do Better’.

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Day 2 of 3 Quote challenge

Amidst the chaos of moving I almost forgot to post my quote for Day 2.

I’m not gonna nominate any more people cause I’m a rebel like that (read lazy).

This quote is hauntingly beautiful isn’t it? It’s no big surprise that I see myself as ‘broken’ and Hemingway helps me see it as not just a negative thing. Of course being broken isn’t ideal and I would have loved a different life but this quote makes me see the beauty in it. With all the cracks in my armour, the light flows in and it allows me to be the sensitive and empathetic person that I am. There may be parts of me that are damaged but there’s beauty in there too and that’s from the light shining in.