‘If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are, you’re fooling yourself. That’s like expecting a lion not to eat you, bc you didn’t eat him.’ Unknown

With all this time waiting

I’ve done little else

But think

Thinking of what I could do if my application for Long Term Disability is denied

Thinking of where I could feasibly work in that case

I know I have a propensity towards the bleak but I just don’t see an alternative working environment aside from being my own boss

Try as I might

I just cannot envision a supervisor being understanding about my ‘chronic absenteeism’

Having never been in a managerial position (shocking, I know) I can’t say how I would be if one of my employees was like me

A good worker but with a spotty work attendance at best

I don’t know how many people would be understanding when it actually came down to it

In theory, everyone can be a Mother Theresa

Reality as we know it

Is a very different story

I think the premise behind this is what led me to becoming a youth worker

The world can be hard

The world can be cold and lonely

And I wanted to give the youth I worked with, a soft place to land

While giving them truths and not sugarcoating life for them

I would create a space where they could count on being supported through mischief, behavioural issues, criminal activities, mental health struggles and in just being themselves

I know coddling isn’t an answer

Nor was it my objective

It was, however, my goal to create such a space they could make mistakes while being in

Getting the support and assistance from me while they were there

I won’t pretend that I was a proud momma every time a youth did something negative

I wasn’t

I’m sure I doled out plenty of lectures and rants and get-your-shit-together-kid lines

But they knew I’d still be there for them in the end

I like the thought of that so much

That I sometimes fantasized the rest of the real world is like that

Not fairytales and butterflies

Real with disease and pain

But with support from all sides

Maybe this is why I’ve struggled so much with work, the health care system and so on

I was hoping that the support I provided to youth

Would somehow be the support I in turn received

Not because of some karmic balance

But because I still believe that people are inherently good

I hoped

That through dark and cold times

I would know there was a support system behind me

Not just made up of prayers and well wishes

But of doctors who would ask questions

And ophthalmologists who would look for answers

Maybe with neurologists that would care about how the disease they’re so focused on, also affects my daily life

Perhaps that’s why I’m chronically disappointed and hopelessly let down

If I, an underpaid Youth Work and Univerisity dropout, could find it within myself

To still care

Years after hearing so many sad stories from youth day after day

Along with my own messed up mind

I guess I just don’t understand why someone who at some point got into their field to ‘make a difference’ just stopped giving a shit about the people behind their diagnoses

I know it’s not easy

With insane caseloads, and not enough hours in a day

Not to mention family and kids and taking out the garbage and just life

I really do get it

And yet I’m still left wondering why I’m not enough to care about

At the end of the day

How do you just close up shop and ignore that person you just saw

Who cried from the depths of their soul and whose desperation for help surely must have hung in the air

Like cigarette smoke on a cold winters morning

Long after they’d gone

When you walked back into the office the next day

Smelling the acrid air

Did you think about them?

Or did you just open a window?

To usher my haunted remains out

And let in your warm sunny day

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