There is something infinitely terrifying about needing any type of replacement for your blood
When the doctors first told me my choices were steroids or a hemoglobin infusion, I felt panicked
Immediately stories of tainted blood flooded my brain
I became very aware of my own mortality
Catastrophic possibilities of bleeding in my brain
Or bleeding to death
Were all I could think of
I also thought of everything I would be leaving behind
Joey
My parents
My sister
My nieces and nephews
I thought of all the things I might never get to see
Maybe I’ll miss Lisa getting hitched
Or my nieces having boyfriends
I’ll just miss out
On life
I thought about Joey
And how it might be easier for him without me
But then I thought of him moving on with someone new
Someone not sick
It was soul crushing
He’s mine
I thought
We’re supposed to grow old together
To retire in a hot place
And I broke down
I ugly cried
Hard
I’m not ready
It’s not my time yet
Then I thought of 6 months ago
About how many times I said I would rather be dead than dealing with my panic disorder
Maybe I jinxed it
Maybe I brought it on myself
Maybe I put a challenge out to the universe
But see
The thing is
You can’t be held responsible for things you say under duress
I wasn’t myself
I didn’t mean it
I was scared
So many factors
But I did wish it
So many fucking times
And I did mean it
It was so painful
I remember thinking death has to be better than this
Anything that makes it stop
You know?
That was 6 months ago
Today
I’m an artist who has shows planned
Today
I am a wife who wants to live out her future with her beloved
Today I am a daughter and daughter in law who wants to spend time with her family
Today I am a sister and sister in law who wants to share more laughs together
Today I am an aunt who can’t wait to see her nieces and nephews grow up and become who they were meant to be
Today
I want to live
Through the pain
Through the sadness
Through the blood tests
Through the infections and fevers
Today
I am going to fight
Because I want to