‘I’m a spokesman for myself. It just so happens that there’s a bunch of people that are concerned with what I have to say. I find that frightening at times because I’m just as confused as most people. I don’t have the answers for anything.’-KC

I feel all this pressure on me to be this inspirational and motivating figure because I have MS

I didn’t choose to have this

I woke up one day and my eye was blurry

That’s it

Seriously

If I had a choice

Obviously I would not choose MS

I’m not going to give you some bullshit story that MS has made me realize so much and that I’m grateful and blah blah blah

This isn’t some made for tv special

This isn’t a televised charity fundraiser

And I am not the fucking face of hope

I am a human being

Who happened to have a lot of shitty things happen to my body and brain

I could sit here and wax poetic about how although I was dealt a shitty hand, I’m going to persevere and make life all butterflies and rainbows

But I’m not that person

I won’t pretend that I am either

So that you dear reader feel comforted

So that you dear reader are inspired by my bravery

So that you dear reader can tell your friends how amazing that woman with MS is for never giving up

My job isn’t to try to be the main character in the feel good story of the day that you pass on to your work colleagues

I’m not sorry that my honesty makes you uncomfortable

I’m unapologetic that my truthfulness is too depressing for your delicate palette to digest

I have MS and mental illness

I did not choose them

And they both bring with them burdens that I can’t even begin to express

But I have a choice in this

And my choice is to speak my mind

To lay my honest feelings out there for the world to bear witness to

Or to ignore

In a world that has made so many choices for me

It is my choice on how I wish to exist in this world

And I choose to exist on my terms

Despite what people might think

I do see the beauty in life and in the world

But the beauty I see is in the flaws

The fault lines of the world

And the imperfections in people

Beauty wasn’t meant to be enjoyed by the masses

That is neutrality

And neutral is bland and boring

My world is not just shades of black and grey

I see colours

I vacillate between them being so vivid it hurts my eyes and my heart and my breath catches in my lungs

And other times they are so dimmed that I long to remember the way a certain colour is reflected in the light

I’m sure I could find a way to stomach writing platitudes in every blog about the wonderful things MS has given me

I’m sure that might even get me noticed in the blogosphere

And I might not be able to predict the course of my illness

Or if my anxiety and depression will worsen

But I know with unequivocal certainty

That I would rather die a thousand deaths

Then live for even a second pretending that MS and mental illness are really blessings in disguise

Let’s not make martyrs out of ourselves

I’m not suffering for the cause

No

Fuck that

I want to wake up one day as a person who does not have anxiety, depression and MS

The person I’ve only ever been in my dreams

Looking California but feeling Minnesota 

I was a huge Nirvana fan when I was a youngster. It was the first time I’d connected to the music that was being made, instead of just enjoying the beat. 

And it was fucking life changing. I had no clue that there were people out there in the world who thought like me and said things I wanted to say and screamed how I wanted to. Not just people, but adults. I would think ‘that’s how I’m gonna be when I grow up’. I felt reassured in knowing that these people who I both looked up to and thought I was  like, were successful and had each made it out of their struggles, alive.

But as we all know, that’s not how the story ended.Kurt Cobain didn’t make it out alive. It was unsurprising and also a total shock when he was found dead. He screamed and wailed and sang his way through his life but in the end he couldn’t defeat his demons.

Chris Cornell always seemed to be different from the rest of the Seattle scene. Where the others seemed uncomfortable with their fame, Chris seemed to just go with it. I don’t know what it was about him. But he oozed an energy. And that’s not to say he didn’t have his fair share of battles. He stated that he struggled with mental health and addiction issues but it seemed that he had come out on the other side of it.

He made it. 

He slayed the beast, quieted the demons. Did what he had to do, in order to survive.
But at 52 years of age, his life ended. I was saddened when I learned of his passing. Whether the Ativan contributed to his demise or if it was the depression that had plagued him throughout his life, it doesn’t matter. He wasn’t selfish, stupid or ungrateful for his success. I’ve read so many comments in which people mock him for being a rock star with money and belittle his struggles. He was a human being in pain. A person in a state of pain can only exist for so long. Synonyms for ‘pain’ include: suffering, agony, torture, torment, discomfort. I don’t know about to but each of those words incite thoughts of wanting whatever it is causing that pain, to just stop…to end.

After his last concert, he took his life by suicide.

Because at the end of the day, when the lights go out, the people fade away and night creeps in; we are left alone with just the thoughts in our heads.

We cannot escape the words, taunts, memories or harsh reminders.

And if you can’t be safe and alone, with only your thoughts to keep you company…well in the words of Soundgarden:

Words you say never seem to live up 

To the ones inside your head

The lives we make

Never seem to get us anywhere 

But dead.
-Angela xo