I find myself thinking in terms of:
When I get better
When I get better, I’ll change my Paxil
When I get better, I won’t feel so down
When I get better, I’ll finish my degree
The list goes on and on
Sometimes it’s things exciting like travel
More often than not
It’s simple things
When I get better, I’ll go for walks with Joey and my dogs
It always ends with me waiting for a time when I’ll feel better
Always waiting for a time that may never come
Then I think to myself
What if this is as good as it gets?
And what if it is?
Does that mean I throw in the towel?
And then what?
So I started thinking tonight…
And bear with me
This is wild
What if I just stop waiting?
Dun dun dun
What if I stop waiting for a future that might never come?
What if I just start living like this is as good as its ever gonna get?
There is something so incredibly freeing about that
It’s difficult when the people around you encourage you to think of how much better things can get
As well intentioned as it is
It just doesn’t help
I’m so fucking sick and tired of waiting
I’m so tired of hoping
Fuck waiting and hoping and wishing
Maybe it’s time that I just start living
I mean…Yeah maybe things will get better
But I just don’t want to waste my time waiting for something that is only possible (What is possible )
I like the odds of probable (What is probable)
It is probable (because there is evidence to support it) that tomorrow I will wake up
And feel as shitty as I do right now
But instead of going back to bed and waiting for a better day
I’ll just keep going
I’ll step out into the world and I’ll still feel shitty
But at least I will have fucking done something
And maybe for this to stick
I’ll have to keep reminding myself every day
That my life deserves a fighting chance
That in order to really live
I need to remove both feet from inside of the grave
Any other way
And it’s just not probable