‘I Have Loved The Stars Too Fondly To Be Fearful Of The Night.’ Sarah Williams

Three weeks ago

I felt scared

I felt panicked

I felt unsure

I felt lost

I felt alone

I felt weak

I felt crazy

Three weeks later

I feel strong

I feel empowered

I feel courageous

I feel a little invincible

I feel like a conquistador

I feel proud

I feel brave

Tonight

I want to bottle this feeling

Memorize this moment

So that I can take it out when I need a reminder

Of who I am

Of what I’ve overcome

Someday

I want to look back on this

Without regret

Without sadness

Without bitterness

And only feel proud

That what I endured

Didn’t break me

It didn’t shatter me into millions of sharp pieces

Instead

A fire within me was ignited

Inflamed by my struggles

Emboldened by my heartache

It burns so bright and so fiercely

That I wonder if the stars above will take notice

Unsure if I’m beckoning them

Or trying to outshine them

We’re the same though

The stars and I

We’re both exploding from our depths

And illuminating what would have been total darkness

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I’ll leave the forgiveness up to your choice of god

A fellow MSer and blogger recently wrote about forgiveness (check it out here https://fightmsdaily.com/2018/03/17/forgiveness/) and it got me thinking

Forgiveness is such a complex topic

So often we tell ourselves and others that we have forgiven

But what does that even mean? And what does that open ourselves up to?

Is forgiveness merely acknowledging that the offending event occurred and then accepting it?

But what happens after the acceptance?

Do you simply ignore the feelings that come along with the event that precipitated this act of mercy?

Read back to what I just wrote

Ignore the feelings

You didn’t choose the event that occurred

However you choose to allow yourself to remain ignorant

You know what happened

You know what that person did or said

And yet you turn a blind eye to what happened

After you’ve let said person off the hook

So that persons guilty has been appeased

But you

The forgiver

Have now placed yourself in a very vulnerable situation

Like sitting with your back to a door

You’re the very fodder of know better stories we recount to our friends

Tsk tsk tsking

You’re the person in cautionary tales

Don’t be like so and so

X did that to her and she forgave them

Only giving them the opportunity to do it once again

Poor ignorant so and so

I’m not saying to never forgive

However be aware of what the motive is

Forgiveness is for the other person

You on the other hand

Are forever changed

And now you must proceed at your own risk

That first time

Is enough of a warning for me

I choose to be unmerciful

I choose to be angry or hurt

I choose to never allow someone the opportunity to come back for seconds

I choose myself over making you feel better

Fool me only once