I’ve hated you since I started experiencing panic attacks
No
Even before that
I hated you when I saw what you did to my father
How merciless you were
I hated how vulnerable you made him
I hated how scared you made me feel
When I started having my own panic attacks
I wasn’t unsure or surprised by your arrival
I was just upset
I was angry that I couldn’t fend you off
Especially after having seen first hand the damage you caused
I was frustrated
And you grew stronger
I had my very first panic attack waiting to board a plane
That sense of helplessness and feeling of being trapped
Allowed you to flourish
And you grew stronger
I got more frustrated
I became depressed
At what I perceived as my failure
Failure of what?
Outrun you of course
Break the pattern
And you grew stronger
Throughout the years and the numerous times you showed up
You stole bits and pieces from me
From my identity
From the experiences I stopped myself from having
I can’t count how many things I’ve missed out on because I was just too damn scared of you
And you grew stronger
I didn’t know that it was me who fed you
I didn’t know it was me that built you up
I vacillated between fighting you and being so terrified of you that I hid behind medications and isolation
I’m bone tired of fighting
I’m drained of the energy it takes to be afraid
I’ve been living with you my entire life in one form of another
You haven’t killed me
Yet
I was hurt because of you
The people around me were hurt because of you
But it was I, who allowed that to happen
Not you
You were never strong
It was always me that was strong
Always fighting against you
And
Hiding when self preservation took over
I used so much energy trying to not let you win
That I didn’t realize
I could end this epic battle
By waving a white flag
I spent so much time hating you
When I should have been understanding you
Because you were struggling like me
You were the outcome of the bad day, bad week, bad month that I’d had
You were what my body needed to expel to move on
I was too consumed by the symptoms you gave me
The shortness of breath, the stomach cramps, the heart palpitations, the depersonalization
To see that those symptoms came up because I dreaded your arrival
I’m sorry that I didn’t see you for what you really are
You’re me
And we’re in this together
So
If my body and mind feel like they need to have a panic attack…
Well I guess it’s ok
We will get through this
It’ll be uncomfortable
But it will pass
Just like it always has
And I promise to try not to be so hard on you
If you promise to do the same
Who knows?
Maybe one day
I’ll even write a poem about how grateful I am for your existence
I’d tell you not to hold your breath
But we both know I’d be lying
So I’ll just say this
I get it, Panic Disorder
I really do
I’m only sorry that it’s taken me so long