‘Everybody Is A Book Of Blood; Wherever We’re Opened, We’re Red.’ Clive Barker

Today sucked

Hard

I arranged to have one of the Bayshore nurses come to my parents house to do my monthly bloodwork

Since I skipped last month

I was nervous before the day started

But I went with it

The nurse got here

I did the same old pee in the plastic cup song and dance

And then sat in a recliner to get it over with

I told her I usually have it taken from my hand

And that I have anxiety related to it

She was kind and all that

I didn’t have my rubber ball to pump to get the vein ready and blood flowing

But I tried other methods

She got the vein on the first try

I breathed a sigh of a relief

After the initial painful puncture

And then…

No blood

No blood came out

She tried a few times to get it flowing

Nada

She tried a different vein on the same hand

I pumped my hand manically

She got the vein

And still

No blood

I asked her to try my other hand

I was pretty shaky, sweaty and anxious at this point

She inserted the needle

And

No fucking blood

She said

I literally have the needle in your vein and nothing is coming out

We gave up

She recommended I try to go to my regular lab and see my usual homegirl

But of course

Because of my panic and near agoraphobia

I had been trying to avoid that

She left

With her empty vials

Apologies

Used needles

And unfulfilled lab requisition

I was left with my urine sample sitting on my mother’s coffee table in her living room

There wasn’t any point in sending it in without the blood

Three track marks and I’m sure ugly bruises to follow

I pulled my knees up and just started sobbing

I broke my no-crying-for-three-days record

Feeling sorry for myself

Everything is always so damn hard

Nothing seems to come easy

And yet

After all of that

I didn’t have a panic attack

Even pre crisis

A day like today would have likely made me have a panic attack

But today

Through the punctures, the pain, the discomfort, the crumbled hope and the anxiety

I didn’t have a panic attack

That’s my silver lining on this shit-tastic day

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Somewhat Damaged

Feels like all I ever say is I’m sorry

I should just write them out like lines I used to do in school

And then tape the words over my mouth

Or throw them in the trash

For all the good they’ve ever done for me

I’m exhausted of the emails, the appointments and the alarms I can’t get out of bed for

I’m tired of trying to pretend

To fake it till I make it

To paste a smile on my face

It’s not for me anyway

I’ve never been so skilled at make believe that i could dupe myself

It’s for your comfort

And his

And hers

And it makes me feel worse

I don’t want to care what anyone thinks

I don’t want to see the judgemental looks

I don’t want to hear the accusatory tones or the false sympathies

Yet It’s all my brain can process

Everything has become so fake it smells like my grandmothers plastic couches

Or so bleak it’s like I’m trapped in a dark closet with no light bulb and no way out

I want to shut off my brain

My somewhat damaged brain

This brain of mine

What good has it ever done me?

Filled with anxious thoughts that I couldn’t get rid of

Then so much sadness it was drowning in a sea of it

Then lesions that *poof just appeared one day

And I’m supposed to find a silver lining in this?

Since I’m so skilled at apologizing…

Here goes nothing:

I’m sorry that my lining must be covered by so much shit that I can’t fucking see it

Maybe I misplaced it along the way

For what it’s worth I’m sorry that I lost it

I’m sorry that I lost that silver fucking lining that would make all of this bearable

I’m sorry that I can’t find the silver lining that would give all of this shit a deeper meaning

I’m sorry that I can see everyone else’s silver lining

I’m sorry that maybe some people are just born without the ability to see their silver lining

And I’m so fucking sorry that mine seems to be missing

Or maybe it’s somewhat damaged

And wouldn’t that be a perfect kind of irony?

(An angry playlist to go with an angry mood)