No I didn’t think so
I can’t even count how many times I’ve been told how lucky I am to have you
Through my mental health issues and through my MS
Does it make me feel bad?
Of course
I would love to hear people say how lucky you are to have me in your life
Because that signifies the very opposite of a ‘burden’
Which is what I feel far too often
All this makes me wonder
About how our life together could have been different
Thats a lie
I actually spend much more time than I’d care to admit wondering about how your life could have turned out differently had you not fallen into this
With me
That’s another lie
I don’t ponder how different it could be
I actually wonder how much better your life would have been if not for me
I have day-mares where I can see you with someone else
They manifest as day dreams that feel like nightmares
Where I’m relieved to see you looking so happy
But I’m scared and angry to see that it’s with someone who’s not me
This figment of my imagination
She’s a happy-go-lucky kinda woman
She enjoys the simple things in life
You two laugh together
A lot
She doesn’t have the baggage that weighs me down
The baggage that then in turn has weighed you down
She’s free
And with her
So are you
You guys own a small condo downtown
You take the dogs out for long walks to the park
Maybe to the lake in the summer
Those same summers that I stay inside air conditioned prisons because I can’t handle the heat
In the evenings
You go to the movies
Like we used to before MS stole so much from me
You watch blockbusters, indie flicks, documentaries
Then you go to coffee shops
She orders coffee with sugar and milk
Something simple
Not like my high maintenance needs
You sit there for hours and you talk and dream of all the places you’ll travel to
And you know since she doesn’t have anxiety
She won’t be terrified of getting on that long plane ride to Amsterdam
She doesn’t have MS obviously
No treatment coming up
No fears of getting sick
No limitations really
And she doesn’t take sick leaves
So money isn’t a worry
The world is her oyster
So in turn, it is yours too
She’s not chained with anxiety and depression like I am
Broken in thought and in spirit
She doesn’t yell and scream at you when the anxiety is so bad
She doesn’t mope and cry when the depression hits hard
She’s a youth worker like me
Unlike me, she goes to work every day
The kids love her of course
Who wouldn’t?
Her employer raves about her dedication to her job
You are so proud of her
Because you’re the same
You’re dedicated to your job
You share this motivation with her
You check off goals as easily as I write blogs about being discriminated against at work
Your family adores her
Because they see how happy she makes you
You can’t help but exude this contagious happiness when she’s near you
Your family feels it too
They spend long weekends with you both
At the cottage
Playing with the nieces and nephews
Laughing and playing cards
You go back to your cozy little condo
With the dogs
And she is just content
To sit there with you on the balcony and watch the sky
You see, that’s enough for someone like her
Simple and carefree
And for someone like you
Wonderful and deserving of the very best in life
And the day-mare fades to black
And I’m sitting there quietly in my room
Alone
And you call my name from downstairs
And I close my eyes
And I take a deep breath
And I get up out of bed convinced that this time I can do it
And force a smile on my face, the same one I think she would wear
And I make my way downstairs
I’m scared that when I meet your eyes, the spark they held in my day-mare, will be gone
It’s my own smile that slips before my foot even hits the last step
And
I’m just me again
The one who is so lucky to have you
The one who’s never given you reason to feel lucky to have her
The one who knows that it was her breath that extinguished your spark
The one who will always be sorry
